Don't Hurry, Be Nappy.

*** I saw a show where pot-bellied pig porn star Ron Jeremy said that he staves off premature ejaculation by thinking of his old grandmother or
a Sumo Wrestling match. Hm, I think of Ron Jeremy.

*** Whenever I buy a used car I think of rock music---I know it won't be long before I'm doin' the Shake Rattle and Roll.

*** I've spent the last five days desperately trying to pull myself up by my bootstraps. So far I've knocked over three table, a chair and broken five lamps.

*** I've been livin' the life of Riley lately---unfortunately Riley came home yesterday.

*** Niece Sultrina got busted last week-- she got breast implants.

*** After my exercise regimen I told my wife I felt like a new man---she said, "Me too!!"

*** It's time to diet---the wife's starting to laugh at my paunch lines.

*** I'm finally getting some recognition as a comic---three guys with crowbars chased me for half a mile!

*** I was glad to hear that the horse that took a spill during a race, is in stable condition.

One horse I bet on finished in the money---yeah , he jumped the rail, ran out of control and wound up in the track's accounting office.

You know you're not destined for a successful day with the nags when one you bet on runs 20 lengths, stops and lifts its tail.