On the Miltown

*** Tiger Woods, although losing high-profile sponsorship, reports that he's been flooded with offers from such brands as Trojan condoms, Cialis "(Like Tiger, see Alice, then see Amber, then see Heather, then see...) Kay Jewelers , petroleum jelly, divorce lawyers and aphrodesiac candles.

*** On the Springer show they had a woman who said she was a nymphomanical compulsive-gambler. She said she likes nothing better than to curl up in bed at night with a good bookie.

*** My niece Sultrina gives my brother-in-law nothing but headaches---he told me he scolded her for sleeping in the nude. I said "What's wrong with that?"
"In the park??!"

*** If things keep declining the way they are, the next Pixel hit might not be a Madagascar sequel, but I'm Mad-- No Gas in Car"

*** As if crazy Uncle Izzy wasn't non compos mentis enough---now the shrinks tell him he has OPES-- Opposite Pavlov Effect Syndrome ---whenever he sees a salivating dog he has a compulsuion to ring a bell!

*** My publisher seems to have little faith in me---he said my upcoming book promises to be a "Runaway best seller"---when people see it in the store they'll run away to the Best Seller Section.
He said that he's been trying to get me on TV shows to plug it, but so far even George Lopez isn't returning his calls.
And I'm not too crazy about their advertising slogans: "There are probably worse ways to waste your time!" and "If you've enjoy King, Grisham, Koontz, Patterson and Nora Roberts, well Harris enjoys them too!!"