Pearls before Winos

*** The auto lot told me I’ll have to get back on my feet before I can ride in a car.
I’m encouraged though---with all those “clunkers” being turned in for cash, I’m sure I’ll be sittin’ behind the steering wheel of one real soon!

*** Most people know of Van Gogh’s great painting Sunflowers---perhaps lesser known is modern photographer Greil Gillehoffer’s photographic series on the saliva slick floors of major league dugouts, “Sunflower Seeds”

*** New website’s all the buzz---its service is to mediate and resolve disputes between citizens---InterFaceBook”.

*** I think it was outrageously tasteless for the local news to report a fatal car accident with the teaser, “Well, he started out behind the wheel and he ended up…well…behind the wheel!!”

*** I have to thank my family, who, at the last minute talked me out of a questionable business venture---opening a Jewish deli in Starke, Florida
Worse yet, my name for the store: The Chosen Pickle.

*** I’m at my wit’s end with these telephone menus---Press One! -- Press Pound! ---I didn’t say Simon Says…--- Don’t press Pound! Sorry, Say One!---we could not understand your response ---(even though it was articulated like Laurence Olivier with the coaching of Rex Harrison) State your reason for this call---Sorry we could not understa…shut up cordial automaton!!

*** I knew I was destined to be a comic---when the doctor slapped me on the butt in the delivery room, I said ’What a minute mister---some dinner and dancing before any of that stuff!”

*** I don’t know—through some combination of evolution, weight-training and /or steroids, today’s baseball players have near superhuman ability---I saw a pitcher throw a ball 98 mph today—and that was his changeup!!!

*** I’m all excited---I learned that if I get just three more average hits a day on my blog, I’ll get an ad from TV Aerial Futures.

*** The American Film institute never sleeps---they’ve just announced a special for the late fall, “AFI’s Top 100 Films in Which a Computer Screen Has More Than 11 minutes of Screen Time”

*** My lazy nephew is always protesting “I’m working my hands to the bone!!” Well, if that’s the way he chooses to describe lying around the house all day masturbating…