Autoeroticism

*** My wife complains that I'm smothering her, so she threw my pillow away.

*** Senator Ted Stevens from Alaska, convicted of seven felonies, was applauded by his senate colleagues as an "Overachiever".

*** A congressman was accused yesterday of having mob ties---he admitted one of them said, "Kiss me, I'm Italian!"

*** The success of "Iron Man" has encouraged the producers to make a sequel---however, star Robert Downey Jr. claims he feels a little rusty to take it on again.

*** My son's no brainiac--- He thinks because he wears leather gloves he's an old cowhand.

*** The astronauts in "2001:A Space Odyssey" should ghave been suspicious when HAL insiisted on the spaceship being called the Redeye.

*** I sent an Open Letter to Barack Obama and was threatened by the Postal Service for opening people's letters.

*** One old girlfriend wanted to know how I looked with a sock in my pants. Well, I looked all bent over and wretching in pain.

*** All you need to know about my life---the only new car I ever owned was a Geo-Metro. Yeah, went from zero to 60 in 20 minutes. I mean dogs actually caught my car and dragged it back to their yards with their teeth.
Consumer Reports cautioned bank robbers that it would not make a suitable getaway car.
When I went over 65, an idiot light came on warning: "Car May Disintegrate Due to Atmospheric Friction".
Ran on AAA batteries. Great gas mileage---45 mpg---unfortunately, it held only 2 gallons.
The tires were real cheap---I think they were Schwinn's. The spare tire was literally a doughnut.
It had fine Corinthian leather seats and Fred Flinstone floors. Hand-powered windows. Disk brakes. Everytime I stepped on the brakes the disk broke. Power steering---I could barely muster the power to steer it.

Now I have '93 Corsica, sold to me by some pirate!