Flotsam and Jetsons

--My uncle's an alcoholic---his idea of exercise is delirium tremens.

--My wife paid me what I thought was a nice compliment:"You know Arnie, you're not as driven as you used to be."
I said thanks. She said "thanks what? How 'bout getin' a goddamn job already!"

---In ancient Rome did they shop in a V and X?

---I taught in a tough school---the students would do drive-by shootings from the school bus!


---After Kathy Bates hot tub scene in "About Schmidt" she was voted head of SAG.


---People have told me all my life I should go into the theater---but two hours later I always came out.


---A guy told me he attended Texas P&M--I said don't you mean A&M? He said "I go to night school!"


---So the dumb blond apologized at Blockbuster for not rewinding the DVD.


---I love the opportunity to show off by ordering in a foreign restaurant, "I'll have a "C Combination Plate!"


---In my younger years I unknowingly had sex with an underage virgin---I was charged with "Entering and Breaking"!


---My grandfather was a very gruff, violent military man---his motto was, "If it ain't broke, BREAK IT!"

--- I got mugged and I was charged with Aggravated Assault---I asked why they were charging ME!
"Well, you were aggravated, weren't you?"