All the News to Give You Fits

-- I subscribed to "Skeptic Magazine", but I really don't believe I'll get it.

-- I told my wife I love her terribly---she said, "Yeah, that's the problem!"

-- Reports are that there will be a new children's cartoon character next season: Brillo Betty Triangle Skirt.

-- I wouldn't say the country's dumbed down, but "Intellectual Digest" now includes pop-ups.

-- Larry the Cable Guy, in order to keep up with the times and add more dignity to his act, is changing his name to Lawrence the Digital Satellite Gentleman.

-- A day without laughter is an "According to Jim" marathon.

-- In long lost letters, it was revealed that the only reason playwright Thornton Wilder didn't use scenery or props in "Our Town" was because most of the play's backers pulled out at the last moment.

-- Of all the heinous torture techniques exposed at Abu Ghraib, the world was horrified to learn that suspected terrorists were made to fry bacon stark naked.

-- After his fifth straight bomb after "Sixth Sense", director M. Night Shyamalan is advertising in the trade papers that he's available for "really atmospherically scary Bar Mitzvah videos."

--It's been reported that Doris Day has been living in total seclusion since Rock Hudson died, not able to face public jeering as a "fag hag."

--After Mel Brooks success in converting "The Producers" and "Young Frankenstein" into Boadway musicals, he has been agonizing over how to do the same with "Silent Movie."

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