Beware the Ides of July

*** My psychiatrist said I had the opposite problem of Sybil---I said, "whatdya mean?" "Well, she had 21 personalities and you don't have any!"

*** Unbelievably, singer Carly Simon revealed after 35 years that the subject of her song, "You're So Vain", was actually the Dalai Lama, whom she was seeing in between affairs with Cat Stevens and Mick Jagger. In a related story, meterologists are still baffled over her observance of "clouds in my coffee."

*** My wife is so immature---yesterday she barged in while I was taking a bath and sank all my toy boats!

*** Shania Twain, recently divorced from her husband, changed the title of her big hit to "You Used to be the One, but Now You're Number Two."

*** I wouldn't say my computer's antiquated, but it comes with a REAL hourglass!

*** Observing my computer skills, my I-tech recommended I buy "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Computers For Dummies---The Cliff Notes."

*** It has been revealed that the original working title of Werner Von Braun's autobiography was "I Aim at the Stars... But I Kept Hitting London."

*** Unearthed has been a novelty song from the early 1900's- "She Used to be a Toothless Maid, But Now She's an Indentured Servant."

*** It was predicted that by the year 2023, every single American will be the subject of a reality TV show in which their daily doings are recorded by a camera. In response, the NSA said, "Been there, done that!"

*** Reports are that in order to appear more youthful by contrast, John McCain will pick Titanic's Gloria Stuart as his running mate.