Man and Jim Croce thought he had a hard time placing a call!

Never call a big business with an automated telephone system when you're in a pissy mood.
I actually got into a raging verbal battle with a robot!
Okay, so first I hear what EVERYONE hears first:

" Thank You for calling Trans-Global Schlockmeister.
Please pay close attention as we have recently changed our menu"

(Okay lady, it didn't work for the greasy spoon down the street and it ain't gonna work for you!!)

"If you'd like billing information press one and say yes at the same time!!"

(Well that's a new one!!)

"I heard you say "one" ---we'll connect you with Billing. This call may be taped, for your protection."

(No, I didn't say one---ok, I did say one , but I don't want billing!and, Yeah, sure it's taped for my protection---
More like it's taped so you can fire the poor slob working in your Boiler Room for $2 an hour if he he decides to deviate from the script and act like a human)

"I'm sorry, we didn't understand your answer, please press zero and repeat"

(Okay, I don't want billing!!)

"I'm sorry, we couldn't hear you. Are you sure you pressed zero?"


(I forgot!)

"No problem--- just press zero."

(Okay.)

"Yes? So what is your message ---please speak clearly!"

(You said, "Just press zero!!)

"Yes, but then you must say something clearly-- and get the mashed potatoes out of your mouth!"

(Hey lady, I've dealt with your prototype before)

"Sorry, couldn't hear a thing! Nada!! Did you forget to press zero again, duffus?"

(Hey, one more smart remark like that and I'll be over there and get Medieval with your mother board!!)

"If you'd like Technical Support press pound and 5 simultaneously!---If you'd like that repeated, hang up and call back!"

(Hey RoboClerk, just give me customer service, okay??!!!)

"Certainly. Just take off your damn mittens and press star, the number 8, and with the dial pad play and sing along to Yankee Doodle"

(Are you fuckin' kidding?? Is this that time of month for female cyborgs?.)

"I'm sorry. You have used several words that I am not programmed to understand---in other words, watch it, you sexist jerk!!"
(Alright, lets both calm down... can you please just give me Customer Service??)

"Transferring now sir---bite me!!"

"Due to heavy volume you will, have to wait for the next available representative---estimated waiting time...
2 hours and 47 minutes---relax and listen to our soothing music A Treasury of Gangsta Rap Classics"...

.........."My ho may be a bitch , but your bitch is a ho!---I tol' mah baby mama that her sister daddy,
Will baby sit her mama' granddaughter
Throw your hands in the air ---
Now turn over all your money---
Everybody say "antidisestablishmentantarianism"--oh yeah!!---That's what I'm talkin' 'bout!!"

(Click)