Gitmo for Your Money!

Sim-Sallah-Bim-Walla-Walla Bing Bang!! (I kid the traditional sacred greetings!)

At last, in their infinite wisdom, the authorities at the NSA have cleared and released me of any charges of being a "terrorist activist or supporter and being in suspicious possession of a funny foreign-sounding name".

With your kind indulgence (and it's none of my business what kind of stuff you like to indulge in!!) I will recount my trials and tribulations at the hands of the deluded sacred beings called the FBI, the CIA and a man known only as Dr. Dark. .

It started out like any other day at the Morty residence on a Saturday morning 16 days ago.
I was on my computer, studying the ancient sacred wisdom of the Kama Sutra---special-in-color-updated-edition with real actors. Yes, I was again comforting myself over the loss of my beloved Silviadayenta to divorce.
This site brings me solace as tears roll down my face---I cannot tell you how many Kleenex I have availed myself of over the months watching the lovers achieve holy union in a variety of attitudes that are sheer proof of the Great Kahuna's fertile imagination.
Suddenly I was startled by a knock on the door, the ferocity of which convinced me at once that it wasn't the Jehovah's Witnesses come a callin'.(My powers of great discernment)
Timidly I asked "Who's there?"
"None of your goddam business!!" came a brusque, booming voice.
Well sir, that was good enough for me.
Upon opening the portal to my abode, I was met by the sight of two men. Tall and muscular, granite-featured, dressed in identical grey suits, wraparound sun glasses and slicked-back hair.

My first thought, naturally was, "The Gay Men's Choir doing door-to-door auditions??!"
Usually so acute, my instincts were off the chart that morning.
"Mr. Krishna Morty? Aka Morton Appleblatz? aka Funnyman Bobby Jackie? aka Jackie Bobby, aka Prisoner # 5482364?"
"I've never been in prison before!!" I protested.
"Surprise!!" said one of them, as they both laughed.
"By the way, said one, "are you aware that you have a tissue stuck to your right hand??"
"I explained my mourning for the loss of my wife."
I do not know what they found so gut-busting about that!
They went on to tell me that I was under arrest, had the right to say whatever the hell I wanted behind a gag, , have no right to a lawyer, also no right to one phone call, and that I was funny-looking. That last the unkindest cut of all!
Yes, my faithful, I was soon to do an "Extraordinary Rendition" and I'm not referring to Judy Garland singing the Trolley Song.
Next thing I know I'm blindfolded sitting on airplane---I consoled myself with the thought that this was only some kinky mile-high club prank.
Once again my usual precise perspicacity proved piss poor!
I asked one of my captors of our destinatiopn.
"You're goin' to Gitmo son!!" he barked.
Not being very politically aware, I said "Get more what??"
Again my ears rang with their hearty malicious laughter.
Next thing I know, I deplane in a very warm tropical climate and am ushered away to see the man they called Dr. Dark.
Dr.Dark, after offering me a tangerine, read the charges against me as were listed in my post of Wednesday, December 2nd.
Then the real nightmare began.
I was waterboarded, my earnest wishes that they should at least use water from the Ganges were cruelly ignored.
Then they stripped me naked and menaced me with snarling vicious dogs who snapped their snarling, salivating teeth only inches from my private parts---all I can say, it was a good thing I had already been circumsized as a baby.
They humiliated me by making me join in a pyramid of other naked men, and stand at the top with poms poms yelling " 'When I say Victory, you say Yes!!' ".
For two nights they deprived me of sleep by making me listen over and over to the loudly played "My Baby Does the Hanky Panky"!
At one point I said indignantly,
"Wait a minute!! Things have changed!! George Bush is no longer president. Now Barack Obama is!!"
That got the longest sustained laugh of the evening!
They asked me to tell it again, and my show biz blood couldn't resist an encore!
They finally tried to get me to confess something by having a beautiful scantilly clad woman give me a lap dance, while, in full view, I was forced to watch all my holy Eastern texts having scatological abominations committed upon them.
Okay, I have mixed feelings about that one...uhhhmmm!

Finally, after two weeks of this treatment---and worse, not a higher proportion of the lap dance thing--- they were satisfied that I was no threat to the homeland, except maybe in the sense of lowering the nation's taste in humor, they set me free.

My followers---there is a spiritual lesson in all of this.
Next week I hope to tell you what it is after I make it u...er, after I divine it!!

Hey, you guys have been graying!!

See ya next time and don't forget to rotate your Chakras!!