BUDDHA---The Man and His Timelessness

Hey, Ladies and Germans!! Great to be here!!---and there and everywhere.. (Lennon-McCartney)*citation necessitated by the fear of getting sued by the Departed Soul of Jacko’s estate!

Today I have come to lay down the 411 on the cat we all know as Buddha! (Krishna Morty apologizes for his colloquialisms, having just watched the DVD “Best of the Rat Pack”).

I am asked by my acolytes (and, by the way, they do all act alike)pardon, Krishna M.(shout at to mah dogs!!) He likes puns.
"Krishna Morty, Who was Buddha? When did he live? How was he enlightened? What were his teachings?"
And I gaze upon them with infinite patience and compassion and say "Hey, if I knew I was gonna be held for questioning I would have called my lawyer!!"
Krishna Morty likes to lighten the mood with a jest---that what Krishna Morty would like to do!!---(so far according to the trades this is still a karmic debt that's been turned over to a collection agency!)

Buddha (Siddharta) was born in 563 BC---and then again some hundred times since, (the exact number is pending the next census)--even, appearing once, startingly, as Keanu Reeves!
He was the son of a Indian king and spent his youth living a life of luxury, wine, women and song.
But soon, Siddharta (or Sid to his friends), a sensitive, intuitive youngster realized that this was a life of harmful excess, so he cut out the "song" part, continuing with wine and women.)
Still he was dismayed by the excess of pleasure, so he ditched the booze and tried to restrict himself to women only. However, without the wine, the females didn't seem as willing to accomodate the "pot-bellied pig" as they teasingly called him behind his back--- simultaneously the absence of intoxicants afforded him a real good look at many of the women he disported with, minus the beautifying enhancement of dipsomaniacal perception.
Now utterly disillusioned with his hedonistic life, he flew the coop at age 29.
He became an ascetic---now wine, women and song were off the table and replaced by a bowl of tea steam and chopped banana seeds.
For six years he led this life of self-denial, while occasionally breaking into a hearty rendition of "I Got Plenty O' Nuttin'"
After six years of this, when he 35, Siddharta said to himself one day "Yunno, this is startin' to get old!"---so he moved on---basically he moved a few hundred yards and sat under a the famous Bodhi tree, inspiring that classic song "When a Buddha Meets a Bodhi"
He was obsessed with the question of why humans suffer in this world. He became even more intensely curious after a cocoanut fell from the tree and caused him great personal suffering on his head. "Me damn me!!" he bellowed.
Still he remained sitting under that tree meditating for seven weeks, when suddenly he reached enlightenment. That was when he had his name legally changed to Buddha (Enlightened One) Or the Enlightened One Formerly Known as Siddharta.
He now understood why the world was full of sadness, pain and suffering.
Acting on that wisdom, his first act was to declare his intention to be a life-long bachelor.
Then he went far and wide (yes, he was putting on even more weight!!)
(An intersting note here about theorigin of the well-known "Laughing Buddha" statue---it was a depiction of Buddha's response to a companion's remark to another that "Buddha was getting so fat that when he goes to the Pagoda, he sits next to EVERYBODY!!") preaching the wisdom that he called the Four Noble Truths, which should be a person's guide as he follows his Dharma (or path).
Being a liberal, he acknowledged in his "don't ask, don't tell, tell, ask, who cares??!! Whoopee!!" beliefs)that others might prefer to follow Gregg.
Buddha regretted the fact that due to worldly ignorance and prejudice, many religious aspirants were still doing "their meditation and self-denial in the closet!"
He once famously said "I cried because I had no shoes; then, I saw a man who had no socks!". This teaches, he explained, that "no matter how bad you think you got it, brother, check out the train wreck sittin' over there!!"
When he was 80 Buddha announced to all that it was time for him to leave his physical body, as the lease had run out and he'd booked a non-stop flight to Nirvana---the final state of spiritual perfection.
Yet still, there was Doubting Tomasivinis in the crowd, who doubted Buddha's state of perfection, having earlier seen him trip over a chair and spill a hot bowl of curry down the back of his hostess's gown.
Nonetheless, he ate his final meal offered by a blacksmith named Cunda, who apparently was paying off the Board of health because the food made the Buddha extremely ill, and caused his demise.
Before dying, Buddha graciously told the blacksmith that it was not the meal that had killed him, although he said "I gotta be honest---it was a bit tough and undercooked."
This was a great relief to the cook, who was convinced he'd be facing a serious liability lawsuit.
Buddha's final words to his adherents were "Live by my principles but follow no leaders and watch the parking meters!!"

Okay, I'm outta here---my body will soon follow!!