Turn That Smiley Face Upside Down.

*** My alcoholic uncle was stood up at the altar---as usual he was too drunk to stand up by himself.

*** My grandfather remained an actor even when he he was very old and gaunt---in his final role in they used his skull in Hamlet's “Alas, poor Yorick…" speech while he was still alive!

*** George W. Bush as a motivational speaker, eh? (some lines just stand on their own).

*** Colleges are really feeling the pinch as the economic meltdown has dramatically decreased enrollments---however, small unpretentious, and certified universities have sprung up to cater to aspiring scholars who can’t handle normally high tuition.
One such is “Dollar University of Piscataway New Jersey” (DUPNJ--As seen on 4am TV infomercial!)
Its brochure tells aspirants:

1) All classes are conducted by Internet, twitters, phone, letters, telegrams or postcards.
2) All term papers may be text-messaged and do not have to exceed four post-it notes in length.
3) Special counselors have been outsourced to Bombay and Calcutta are and are sitting by the phone, ready to answer any questions or concerns
4) All our professors have been certified as having successfully completed “Hooked-on-Phonics, The Advanced Course”.
5) Final Exams consist of correctly completing the crossword puzzle—or Jumble, in the Monday edition of any national newspaper.
6) Associate Arts degrees can be obtained with just 5 days of work; BA’s, 10 days; Masters Degrees in 14 days; and Ph.D’s in just three weeks.
7) Tuition fees? Just $1.00 a credit--that’s right, just one dollar----You do the math—That’s right $64 for a an AA degree; $128, for a BA, $160 for a Masters and $195 for a Doctorate.(or, if you’re clever, take your AA Degree and Doctor-it!--- Imagine, in less seven months you can start demanding that people address you as “Doctor”!!
8) Our degrees are recognized by major employers around the nation---but, don’t despair in spite of this there are multiple, less discerning employers around the nation.
9) Our esteemd commencement speakers have included the late Billy mays, Kevin Trudeau the Sham-WOW Guy and that nut with the question marks all over his clothes and hat.

So, don’t waste minute!! The first semester begins---well, any time you want it to.
We accept Master Card, Visa, American Express, gold jewelry, trinkets, wampum, personally initialed IOU’s.
Operators are standing by because we can’t afford to get them chairs---the savings are passed on to you.