Bell, Book and Zippo

*** Great. Just when we needed another Franklin Roosevelt we get Roosevelt Franklin.

*** I assured my wife that I was always at her disposal. She said, "I know!! Your eating habits are disgusting!"

*** I'm not worried about crazy Kim Il Jong in North Korea. The man's a member of the Elizabeth Taylor Fan Club---you think he's gonna hurt a hair on her head??

*** Someone must be lacing my weed with mushrooms---Rod Blagojevich's wife has her own reality show??

*** Bangladesh ravaged by a cyclone---In honor of George Harrison's efforts almost 40 years ago, Paul McCartney said he will write a Concerto for Bangladesh.

*** I remember a family intervention we had when I was a kid. It was made brutally clear: "Listen, if you don' t stop your drinking, get yourself together and get a job, you're out of here!! Okay Pop?!!"

*** My doctor used to be a Roto-Rooter Man. I told him I needed my stomach pumped. He tried to stick a plunger down my throat.