The Passover Plotz!

*** My wife complains that I'm always reaching premature Nirvana with her.

*** That book The Secret, is of great spiritual value.
It told me that if I wanted a big new Cadillac, all I had to do for 20 minutes every day was imagine I was actually sitting behind the wheel driving it.
It came true---although I must admit my chauffeur's cap makes me look silly.

*** Beware false, malicious gurus. I heard of one who gave his devotees tongue-twisters as their mantras.
He told one follower his mantra was "Which wristwatches are Swiss wristwatches?"
The man is now recovering with the help of massive doses of Thorazine.

*** The Bhagavad-Gita---great book of wonderful spiritual wisdom---however the song really sucks!

*** I speak again of the great Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, who as many know inspired one of the Beatles' greatest songs. I refer of course to "Why Don't We Do it in the Road?"

*** "Ohhhm", Ahhhh" and "Ooooh" are the three basic sounds of existence---anyone who's been to a fireworks display or seen a porno film can teach you this.

*** I am often asked, "Oh Krishna Morty, can the world ever live in peace?" "World peace?", I say. "We cannot even get Jon Voigt to talk to Angela Jolie!"

*** I taught one skeptical student that there are really no such things as problems---only illusory negative mind concepts. He said he did not understand this. I told him "That's your problem!!".

*** One guru ex-friend I don't care for. "Be here NOW! Be here NOW!", he kept exhorting while in the middle of sending a text message.

*** Today we celebrate the resurrection of the great spiritual teacher, Jesus...and believe me, if you ever tried to get a Jew to rise from the dead on a Sunday morning, that's no small potatoes.