Horton Hears a Hooverville.

*** People describe my act as gallows humor--- they say I should be hanged at dawn!

*** I asked the sales guy at Bed Bath and Beyond what the "beyond" meant--He said, "it's beyond me!"

*** I asked the salesman at Pier One Imports if I could have a gift delivered--he referred me to Pier Two Exports!

*** Without health insurance, I paid my doctor $95 yesterday to write a prescription---however, in his defense, he DID use a Cross Pen!

*** A cruel tell-all book has been written about the star of "I Dream of Jeannie"'s gynecological problems--- it's titled, "Yeast of Eden".

*** I once had a real wild girlfriend---she once broke a G-string on her guitar---and she wasn't playing it!

*** I used to tell knock!knock! jokes---that's exactly what the audience did to them.

*** When Grace Kelly married the Prince of Monaco she had to Mount Rainier.

*** No, but my sister is advancing in her reading skills---I can now send her e-mails in type-size 18 instead of 20.

*** Reportedly Sarah Palin has been having dreams about hunting Katie Couric from a helicopter..

*** No, I mean the last time I saw a woman treated so badly by another, she was kicked down the stairs by Bette Davis!

*** I bet after "Kiss of Death" Richard Widmark would have had a devil of a time
getting work as a geriatric para-medic.

*** I irately called my congressman and demanded that he reject the bailout.
He said, "I'm on the take and I don't care how the hell mad you are!!