Bennies from Heaven

This is news to me:

"Ex-Fed chief says U.S. now in recession": Do tell!!

"L.A. wildfires prompt evacuations Emergency declared---what a great name for a team, "The LA Wildfires"!

• "Army blocks Minn. soldier from bringing puppy back from Iraq"---Finally something that will really arouse the public's ire about the war!!

• "Rising costs force restaurants to change menus, hike prices"---and the news part of this is...?

• "Arizona man converts 1966 Porsche into an all-electric car"---now if he can only find an extension cord long enough for those cross country trips.

• "Mafia wants 'Gomorra' author Roberto Saviano dead by Christmas"---wonder if they wrote a letter to Santy Claus.
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*** At my last gig they were turning people away---actually it was that yellow tape the bomb squad put around the joint.

*** So Sarah Palin is distantly related to Princess Di! Only difference is Palin's Family Crest is a tube of toothpaste!

*** My sister is clueless. I told her it looks like we'll all be living on the dole.
She said," Ycch, I hate pineapples!"

*** I know why they call it "fast food"----it goes through your body at ninety miles an hour!!

*** My son tried this matchmaking website, InternationalDateline.com. They set him up with a native girl in the middle of the South Pacific.

APOLOGY: several blogs back I posted a joke about how the Tampa Bay Devil Rays beat the Chicago White Sox so bad that the latter was thinking of changing its name to the "Crocodile Hunters".
This joke was ill-considered, uninformed and may have caused my millions of readers some distress. My son, who lives in Tampa, corrected me that the team is no longer called the "Devil Rays", but just the "Rays"--as in sunshine. But what I'm most distressed about is that it ruined my joke!!