Take Me Out of the Ballgame

*** I asked my mother why she slapped my face so often as a child---she said, "What?! I thought I was spanking you!!"

*** The blond kept ruining her computer keyboard---she kept trying to put her coffee cup on the desktop!

*** I wouldn't say the New Kids on the Block look old and seedy, but they should change their name to "The New Child Molestors on the Block."

*** Since outtakes are usually much funnier than the films they're from, Universal Studios has begun to send the outtakes into the theaters. Those who want to see the actual film will have to wait till it goes DVD---they'll be called "Deleted Plot."

*** Last night the wife and I reached simultaneous headaches.

*** It's been revealed that composer Kurt Weil wrote "Speak Low When You Speak Love," while dating a midget.

*** Along with instituting Instant Replay, Major League Baseball has also introduced the following new rules to heighten the game's excitement:

1) Any player who spits more than 3 times in one inning will be fined.

2) All ballparks will be of uniform size and, to compensate for the advantageous effects of steroids, will be 600-feet to centerfield and 460-feet down the lines.

3) A batter must yell "fore" before hitting a home run .

4) Any batter who twists and cranes his neck around more than 6 seconds before entering the batter's box will be fined.

5) If there is a tie between a throw to first and a runner, the two ballplayers must arm wrestle for the decision.

*** My younger son belongs to a Cover Band. As soon as they start playing they have to duck for cover!