The Story of Christmas ( From the newly discovered Gospel, The Book of Sheckie)

*** It's tough being in a mixed, Jerry Stiller-Anne Meara, Bridget Loves Bernie-protoype relationship.
Every Christmas it's the same argument: "You have to have the Tree and Frosty the Snow Man and Santa!! Great!! So I don't get to have the Ankh and Yin-Yang lit display---The three Wisemen, Deepak Chopra, Wayne Dyer and Baba Ram Dass bringing gifts to the baby Keanu Reeves!!" FINE!!"

As you may have read, the Christian world was rocked by the discovery of a fifth gospel, The Book of Shecky.
In it is given a markedly different account of the Christmas story, as follows:

*** " Oh night of a big shining star,
And I'm talkin' of days before Liberace,
A baby was born in a mangy way,
While father was being shown photos by his private dick,

Three Wise men---(Ph.D's all) followed that star, oh, like Lee Marvin in Paint Your Wagon.

They were led to a newborn infant, who happily was
in Stable Condition.
And all the goats, lambs, cows, and chickens, who normally were of very few words, sang
" Oh Christ was Born in Bethlehem, And We Had Front Row Seats"

And the Three Wisemen Balthasar, Darrell and his other brother Darrel,
inquired ---"Anyone know which one's the little Jewish kid??"

But then the Wise Men, upon glimpsing within the humble stable and seeing a 30th Anniversary Edition of Fiddler on the Roof.
DVD, knew.

And they told Joseph and Mary that this was the child of which had been foretold(and by the way we need to talk about the foreskin...but later!) the Son of God!

And Joseph did say, "Holy Joseph and Mary!! Why can't you mess around with just every Tom, Dick and Harry. No-o-o!! It's gotta be God---now how am I supposed to compete with that?? I mean, while you were yelling "Oh God!!" --he was taking it personally!!!"

His ears were deaf to Mary's pleas of innocence. 'God had gotten her drunk and invited her up to see his wondous works'...and so on...

But the Three Wise Men took Joseph aside and said unto him, "Listen bud---ya better wise up and get with the program---we gotta relgion here to get going and it looks Blue Chip all the way. Now shut your trap and you'll never have no worries! Get what we mean!!"

The Wise Men bore the gifts of Gold (which Mr. Christ Sr. quickly mailed to some TV huckster), Frankicense and Myrhh (which Mary and Joseph later agreed they could re-gift or return, as she had kept the receipts)

And it came to pass, that nothing much came to pass until we jump cut 30 years when we learn that Baby of the Year, 0000 AD, named Jesus, (because it was thought he looked a little Hispanic) was working as a carpenter in his father's business, when one day he was tweeted by God who told him , "Hey, it's time to get outta your parents' basement and go out and make some kind of Messiah of yourself! Kids today!!!"

And everywhere he went the flock was sure to go.

And he spoke of universal love, peace, compassion, charity, selflessness...

And he turned water into wine, which pleased many but pissed off the teetotalers!

And he provided fish and loaves'''millenias before Arthur Treacher got a similar idea.

And he healed the crippled, whose only regret was losing the handicap parking stickers.

And many said "What is he, mishuggah??. A nice-looking Jewish boy should get a wife and have kinder---and what good providers they are!!

But many more said, Yes , we like all the stuff you say and we want to live according to your teachings, even if we just elaboratedly pretend to, as we can't seem to help acting the opposite. And Jesus called these people hypocrites...but much like the audience at a Don Rickles concert, they like being insulted and called-names, and they loved Jesus even more.

And on the Cross, Jesus did not despair, but remembered and asked the crowd to give it up for people that faithfully followed his tenets:
"Luke, Mark, Matthew, John, hey put your hands together for Mary Magdalene---whooo, you're looking fine tonight,...down boy! And yes , the other apostles and disciples that was my entourage--all of ya come on out and take a bow!!"
And the Roman soldiers were greatly pleased that Jesus had ID'd the remaining suspects who looked none too joyous as they were led away in chains minutes later.
And he said, before he died on the Cross: "Forget about forgiving them---Forgive ME for being such a bonehead!!"
"Oh well," he said,
"Remember, it's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice!"

God Bless Us Everyone and Hope An Angel Gets its Wings!!