DAMN YANKEES!!!

Dr. Friedberger: So how are you today, Mr. Harris?

ME: Well, to tell the truth, not too good.

DF: Tell me about it. And remember---this is all confidential---I am not here to judge---there is no such thing as normal---there's no such thing as crazy---You know, I'm starting to doubt if there's such a thing as anything, anymore!
ME: Listen Dr. Friedberger---can I call you doctor?? Yes? Good! This is my first time seeing you--doc I've been through my share of therapy over the years---in fact probably MORE than my share---I've been to psychiatrists, psychologists, psychiatric social workers, psychological social workers, social workers who minored in psychology and vice-versa, and in one case a psychotic social worker (she insisted my problems entirely stemmed from the fact that my parents wouldn't buy me an Etch-a-Sketch when I was a kid!) I know the drill as they say today---as do the dentists! I've been through this so many times that when I visit other people's houses I instinctively lie down on their couches!! Okay? So I know the whole drill---No, I don't think I hear voices; I don't think I have super-powers!; I don't have suicidal thoughts (well no more than everyone else); I'm not self-conscious---although at football games I often think that the players are talking about me in the huddle! So lets get on with it!!
DF: Okay, why are you here to see me today?
Me: Well, doc, you know the World Series is on now?
DF: Really? I don't follow professional sports knowing that it's basically mercenary sports combat among athletes who have loyalty not to their teams so much, but to themselves and how they can enhance their self-esteem by getting higher salaries, meanwhile, the masses root fanatically for one or the other out of a deep-seated psychological need to superficially enhance their self-esteem by...
Me: OH SHUT UP!!
DF: Ah, hostility!
Me: Yeah, wait'll I get my bill for this 50 minutes!! Or is it 45 now??
DF: Please continue, Mr. Harris.
Me: Okay, here goes--- I hate, I mean HATE the New York Yankees!!
DF: Okay---but why do you feel so strongly now?
Me: Because doctor---hey you know what a psychiatrist is? A Jewish doctor who can't stand the sight of blood!!---BECAUSE, doctor, if you followed sports like a real red-blooded American male you'd know that the Yankees need to win only one more game to become the World Champions---(all other nations in the world need not apply)--- Maybe if you didn't stay up all night preparing ink blots and reading Psychology Today , you'd have a clue!
DF---And this upsets you?
Me: What was your first clue Sigmund??
DF: Okay, lets talk about why this upsets your psychological apple cart, so to speak.
Me: "So to speak" --Okay, I get it!!-- you went to college and have all these degrees---ya gotta put on airs!!--I bet you also say," as it were" and things are "proverbially" this or "proverbially" that!
DF: You do realize you're transferring your animus toward this team to me?
Me: Well, unless you can get the team to come over here for a few minutes...oh, never mind!
DF: Okay, Mr. Harris, my secretary and time-keeper will be giving me the finger-across-the-neck signal soon, so lets proceed! By the by, we are thinking of "playing patients out", like they do at award shows. How does "They're Coming to Take Me Away!" work for you?
Me: Doc, are you sure your degrees shouldn't be on the back of matchbook covers??! (Deep breath) Okay, doc, ya see, I was born in Brooklyn... Okay doc, there was really no need to stand up and applaud!
Anyway, when you are born in Brooklyn, and at an age when the Dodgers were still playing in Brooklyn---Let me put it this way: I had a mobile over my crib with the dangling faces of Duke Snider and Gil Hodges and Jackie Robinson and Pee Wee Reese, and...and my parents planned to have me two months after the World Series in 1947---which, by the way, the damn Yankees beat the Dodgers in!!---so they wouldn't be interrupted by the blessed event, and you live breathe and BLEED Dodger blue. When the first game I ever saw at Ebbets Field(my father had to explain to me why the game wasn't in black & white)when I was 6-years old was a NO-HITTER pitched by Carl Erskine against the New York Giants on May 12, 1956. My dad told me that people go to games their whole lives and rarely, if ever, see a no-hitter!!-- well, I saw the hand of Providence in that!
Okay, dig this doc---which team ALWAYS beat the Dodgers in the World Series (except for the glorious year of 1955)?? That's right the Yankees! The Yankees, the damn arrogant and haughty Yankees with their damned pin-stripe uniforms---the rich guys, the Wall Street team---we people in Brooklyn wre the working class stiffs, the plebians, the proletariat--- our team was "Da Bums!"
The Yankees with their damn Mickey Mantle and Whitey Ford and Phil Rizzuto and Tony Kubek and Bobbie Richardson---these guys were the Aristocrats---they played the game like they were afraid to get their uniforms dirty!!
But they ALWAYS beat the Dodgers (did I mention 1955?)
Here's the thing, doc---the Dodgers left Brooklyn when I was nine---went to LA Da Bums in lotus Land?? So much for that!!
But they started tearing down Ebbetts Field---we all went to get something from the wreckage--some souvenir---ANYTHING!! People took seats, railings,
pieces of the turf. In 1987 our family had to apologize to the family of the Peanut Vendor we abducted and held captive in our basement for 30 years before he passed away---his family was consoled by our assurances that he lived relatively comfortably and was well cared for.
But doc, here's the problem---this is over 50 years since da Bums left and I still despise the Yankees. I know it's not rational---these are all different players---this is a different team--why, back then they had very rich owners---they had the best team money could by---but today...okay...weak point!
Doc, ya gotta help me!!--why can't I root for this team??
I mean, I'm from New York. I should root for them! I just can't!!
I think I just had a breakthrough , doc!! it's those damn uniforms---those damn pin-stripe uniforms---those damn 'look at us , we're in our Fortune 500' uniforms
That's it doc---it's the uniforms!!. They taunt me!---they tell me I don't measure up!---I'm inferior!---I'm Emmett Kelly, I'm William Bendix, I'm Ralph Kramden---no, but they... they with their...
DF: Mr. Harris!! Please sit down!! This can't be good for your blood pressure!!
We will work to bring you to the understanding that it's not the uniforms---that this is entirely a manifestation of your deep-seated need, born of family dysfunction, to enhance your self-esteem through over-identification with an athletic aggregation who...
Me: OH SHUT UP!!!