THIS IS NEWS TO ME:
"Study Finds Social Security Numbers Can Be Guessed"--so how come I can't guess the Lotto---it's three less numbers!
"Palin Calls Herself a 'Fighter,' Not a 'Quitter'"---As her quitting the governorship clearly indicates.
"Little People Want 'Midget' Banned From TV" --- well, they don't have to be short about it!
"South Carolina Republicans Censure Mark Sanford"--- but not before getting some hot leads.
"White Bengal Tiger Born Without Stripes"---Tough! I say let him earn 'em like everyone else!!
"Serial Killer Had Just Been Paroled"---and yet another triumph for our corrective system!
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*** My cousin's a heavy smoker. Yeah, he tips the scales at 295. Even one pack a day's bad at that weight.
*** My wife really hurt my feelings this morning. Specifically the ones in my left jaw.
She's having an art exhibit and I assured her I'd be there to give her a warm hand on her opening. What I say??
*** Calf: always one thing after an udder.
*** My family never observed Jewish dietary rules. Whenever company came over they'd always say, "Something's not Kosher here!!"
*** The American Film Institute has just announced two new upcoming specials. "AFI's Top 100 scenes Where the Villain Talks Long Enough Before Killing the Hero to Allow the Hero Time Enough to Triumph", and
"100 Top Movies Where the Bad Guys Can't Hit the Broadside of Orson Welles with their Bullets, But the Good Guys Never Miss".
*** Read the confessions of a professional stick-up man: "Working Around the Glock".
The One Liners #365
16 years ago
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