twainfile

Hey how ya doin', all of you unique manifestations of the One Infinite Energy---how's it hangin'??

I gotta tell ya, This life as a celebrity guru is not as glamorous as it may sound.
I mean I gotta do the TV circuit---it's a grind---okay, except when I was on "The View" and they allowed me to sit in a lotus position on the floor---I wanna tell ya--the view was just fine!!

I'd like to take this occasion to give you a taste of my new Guided Meditation/Relaxation tape---"Give Peace a Chant". Available at all fine stores that carry New Age tchatchkis.

It opens with the serenes sounds of nature---birds chirping, the breeze softly rustling the leaves of the trees, the happy babbling of a brook, into which, a wino fills the air with the sound of retching up a pint of rotgut.
You are walking down a garden path---the bare soles of your feet can feel the damp leaves---it feels exhilirating---then your bare feet feel something not so exhilirating, evidence that this path has been used by our friends in the canine world...In the background one can hear the soothing sounds of flutes, chimes and sitars as they play Flight of the Bumble Bee...

Krishna Morty would like to discuss the concept of temptation. Once a person decides to follow the path of enlightenment, the universe will obligingly test this
determination.
For example, once one decides to give up anger and violence as a reaction to adverse circumstances and provoking people, the great Holy energy will test his resolve and faith by making his life a Day at the Beach---Omaha Beach, that is!

In the Christian Bible, this is perfectly illustrated by the story of Job.
It seems the Devil gave God 10-1 odds that he could make the pious and righteous Job curse God's name. God said, "You're on!!"
Anyway, long parable short, in spite of the many tragedies and curses the Devil visited upon Job, he could not get Job to curse the Lord---Job, being a righteous man, never cursed---although the Devil had to be satisfied with a vehement, "
"Gosh darn that deity!!"
For his faithfulness God gave Job back all he had lost, and for good measure threw in a brand new kazoo.
Pertinent to this idea is the Biblical admonition to "turn the other cheek" if one is slapped.
This too can be an invitation to a faith-tester. Krishna Morty once turned the other cheek---and got it painted black and blue by a guy sporting brass knuckles.

Take my wife, Sylviadayenta---I implore thee!!
Many times she calls me a Mishugina Guru---okay, I leave the toilet seat up; I absent-mindedly fail to remove a bottle of ink from my pants pocket before putting it in the washing machine; I leave my robes and sandals on the floor for her to pick up; I forget to put the cap back on the toothpaste; I accidentally set fire to the house.
She calls me many names in a spirit of vindictiveness, but being enlightened, I always forgive her.