All A-Twitter Over My Blackberry

THIS IS NEWS TO ME:

"Alaska And Florida Consider Bans On Bestiality"--- You mean that was okay, but gay marriage--never!!?"
"Iran's supreme leader dismisses overtures from Obama"---who knew we had two world leaders in the closet?
"Geithner's toxic asset plan expected to be unveiled soon"--and Geithner wishes that had been better worded.
"Spring break in the recession: Students stay closer to home"---C'mon girls---it can't be too much fun flashing your boobs at your family!
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*** If I don't deal with all the stuff on my plate I won't have anything on my plate.

*** I solved the having the 'a lot on my plate' problem. I bought a Lazy Susan.

*** I had to quit my latest shrink---he thought agoraphobia was the opposite of homophobia.

*** That Bee Gees' line, "I started a joke that started the whole world crying"---I can relate.

*** My wife, not the best cook, okay? Her specialty is Eggs Over the Ceiling.

*** My cousin says he "really works up a sweat" at his job. Big deal, so he mops up the floors under the baskets at NBA games.

*** I knew my wife was having an affair with her well-endowed golf instructor. She kept telling me she's "only playing the front nine today!"