Student Profiles, Part One (from the soon to be remaindered book, "The Teachers Lounge".)

CALL THE ROLL
LISA LOUDMOUTH: Lisa is a compulsive talker. One second of unbroken silence in the classroom fills her with unbearable anxiety which compels her to fill the silent void with the sound of her mellifluous voice. Lisa is the first to notice that the class has become too quiet, and will immediately blurt out, in a state of alarm, “Why is it so quiet in here!” So strong is Lisa’s talking compulsion that she even feels the need to fill the spaces between the teacher’s words (and even syllables) with her own vocal input. However, when chastised by the teacher for her behavior, Lisa becomes extremely defensive and retorts with “I wasn’t talking!”, or “You didn’t see me talkin!”or “All these other people talkin’, and you call my name! Damn!”

INEZ INSECURO – In spite of reflexively making an “A” every time she touches pen to paper, Inez in convinced that she is really hopelessly failing the course. At least once a day, the teacher can expect Inez to come up and ask if she can check her grade average, which invariably adds up to at least a 4.0. Nevertheless, Inez will beg the teacher for some extra credit work so that she can get her grades up.

PETE PARANOIA – Pete has oversized chip on his shoulder, and a powerful persecution complex. He usually has an angry look on his face, born of the conviction that the whole world, and all the teachers in it are out to get him. Simply calling his name while taking the roll may elicit a defiant “So, what are you tryin’ to say??!” A request that he take out pen and paper may very well be met with a belligerent “Oh, you’re tryin’ to be funny or somethin’, right??!”; At report card time he will vehemently voice his disbelief that you are victimizing him with yet another failure, even though in the roll book he has logged 21 “Fs” and one “D” (from the time he copied).

PAULINE PRECOCIO – Pauline is the very smart student or, at least so Pauline believes. She thinks she is so smart, in fact, that she is totally convinced that she’s hopelessly stuck several grade levels down from where she should rightfully be, such as her second year of graduate school. She often displays a patronizing attitude toward her fellow students, and the way she regards her teachers betrays her strong conviction that they are unqualified to drain her parents’ cesspool, let alone teach her anything. Pauline is convinced that she thought of the theory of relativity before Einstein, but happened to misplace it while rummaging in her purse for a McDonald’s coupon.

IZZY INQUISITIVE – Izzy is characterized by an annoying propensity for asking questions that a tree stump would know the answer to. The teacher should be prepared to respond to such posers as “Should we put our names on our paper?”, "What school is his?” and “Are you sure we don’t have school on Sunday?”

TIMMY TIMID – Timmy is the quiet student. In fact, he is so quiet that the only time he is heard at all is when answering the roll and even then it is in a voice so low that super-sensitive listening devices are almost required t hear him. Timmy never talks to classmates, never volunteers any answers and never even asks for a pass. To be sure, the teacher wouldn’t know he was in class at all if it weren’t for the fact that everyone, including the teacher, borrows pen and paper from him.

EDDIE PRYOR – Eddie is the class clown. Eddie will do almost anything for a laugh, whether it is pulling the dreadlocks of the student in front of him, or throwing his teacher out the window. There is very little that can be done to stop this irrepressible jokester except hold on and hope that he’s soon signed to a multi-million dollar Hollywood contract.

NOAH SUPPLIES – Noah never comes to class prepared. He is usually sans books, paper, pens or pencils. In fact, the only reason he comes to class at all is because his friends are there, and it’s air-conditioned. When, just for the hell of it, Noah decides he wants to do some work, he gets pen and paper from Timmy Timid.

JOSEPH ST. POLITE – A recent émigré from the islands, Joseph is a source of considerable perplexity to the teacher. Mainly, it is his odd behavior that tends to make him a misfit among his peers. For example, Joseph has the curious habit of dressing neatly and formally for school. To further compound things, he customarily uses expressions such as “Please”, “Excuse me”, and “Thank you”. To make matters even worse for his future assimilation, he listens attentively and respectfully to his teachers (even going so far as to call them “Sir” or Madam”), and actually tries hard to pass the class with a good grade. But there is no need for alarm. After several months in his new educational environment, Joseph soon adapts and develops the proper behavior patterns and is thereafter nearly indistinguishable from his obnoxious, indigenous peers.

NOEL SHOW – Noel is the habitual absentee. Sort of an academic equivalent of “Halley’s Comet”, he shows up to class, like clockwork, about once every 2 ½ weeks. Curiously, in spite of the fact that he has missed most of the year’s work, and hasn’t a prayer of passing, he tends to appear religiously for midterm and final exams. The mystery of Noel’s odd behavior has yet to be solved, but one interesting theory advanced holds that Noel, having misunderstood school regulations, is under the erroneous impression that he would be penalized for 10 unexcused presences.

NATHAN NEEDAPASS - Nathan finds it physically intolerable to spend the entire period time in class. As soon as the bell rings, the teacher can expect Nathan badgering him for a pass for any of the following reasons:
· to go to the restroom
· to go to his locker
· to go get his admit from the previous class where he accidentally left it
· to call home
· to get a band-aid
· to see a man about a horse
· to advise the President on his healthcare reform bill
· all of the above