Tales Out of School

Having temporarily run short of one-liners due to the failing economy, I have decided to post portions of my soon to be remaindered book, "Teacher's Lounge", drawing on my 18-year orde...er...experience teaching high school English in an "inner city" school:

TERMINOLOGICAL CORRECTNESS IN
DEALING WITH STUDENT PROBLEMS
In order to avoid negative connotations and pejorative language when we identify and deal with student behavior problems, the following correct terms will be utilized when discussing, or writing referrals, on the “Pedagogical Target Group” (PTG).
The student is:
Late for class chronically --“Punctually Challenged”
(PC)
Doing no work-- “Non-assignment Oriented”
(NAO)
Constantly out of seat-- “Nomadically Hyperkinetic”
(NH)
Excessively absent --“Attendance Deficit Disorder”
(ADD)
Cursing in class-- “Inappropriate Verbal Expression
Syndrome”
(IVES)
Sleeping in class--“Consciousness Maintenance
Deficit”
(CMD)
Usually without pen--“Educational Paraphernalia
and Paper Conveyance Block”
(EPCB)
Talking too much-- “Verbalization Inhibitor
Malfunction”
(VIM)
Constantly fighting --“Inappropriate Resolution
To Conflict Propensity”
(IRCB)
Insulting or attacking instructor--"Deference to Authority
Deficit”
(DAD)
Farting in class --“Flatulence Inhibitor
Deficiency”
(FID)
Constantly throwing things--“Acute Projectile
Activation Tendency”
(APAT)
Utilizing this terminology, referrals written for administrative action in the future should resemble the following example:
“After Pedagogical Target Group Member, Steven, exhibited
Flatulence Inhibitor Deficiency, at
which time Lisa laughed at him. Steven,
displaying Inappropriate Verbal Expression Syndrome,
called her a “Stank Ho!” At this point Lisa retaliated with a
display of Acute Projectile Activation Tendency, and hit
Steven on the side of the head with a textbook. Afterwards, displayingInappropriate Resolution to Conflict Propensity both engaged in a display of Aggression Syndrome, which resulted in Steven having three
teeth knocked out of his mouth.”