Great Expectorations

*** Ed McMahon's fortunes have fallen so low that he can now only afford a house with a Special Olympics-sized swimming pool.

*** And the reason actor Owen Wilson hasn't gotten a nose job is...I mean, really--doesn't it look like Moe Howard got a hold of the tip with a pair of pliers and twisted.

*** A Jew who gets a nose job is someone who cuts off his nose to spite his RACE.

*** Nah, I got one, and it's a thing of beauty and a Goy forever!

*** My uncle, who claimed to be psychic, knew the exact day and time he was going to die---actually the warden told him!

*** My kid is not doing too well at the computer firm he works at--the boss told him he'd better stop sitting around with his thumb-drive up his ass!

*** The KKK's favorite film is "Roots"--except that they play it backwards so the blacks go back to Africa.

*** I can't get the hang of those camera cell phones--I tried to dial a number and wound up taking 6 pictures of my shoes!

*** Believe it or not, in a bygone day the terms "moron," idiot" and "imbecile" were respected medical classifications. Picture a scene where the doctor is informing the concerned parents, "After extensive and comprehensive tests we have determined that your son is a moron, but with regular tutoring and study he can work himself up to an idiot!"


*** I just completed a play about a sailor who takes up the drums, it's called "Sea and Timpany."