Stand-Up bit on Movie Going

Movie Times: Okay you call up the movie theater and they tell ya the movie you wanna see starts a 8:10--I know you guys know- (short multiple choice quiz) A) If you get there 8:15 are you gonna miss 5 minutes of the film? or B- No 8:25 you're cuttin it real close- aren't ya? By that time may be gettin' close--when the theater starts bragging about the marvelous TXYZ ultra-digital sound system--with Intel inside)-- it has--asks you ever so politely not to talk during the movie--yeah, good luck on that one!!---
Your schlepping that container of butter popcorn so big it would instantaneously put 40 pounds on Kate Moss!
and the soda with so much goddam ice in it it no longer has any discernible flavorYour eyes are still about 3 minutes away from adjusting to the dark----then with the looking for two seats together--or if you're alone One Together--or next to a real nice looking girl or guy!--you find a couple of seats---"no this seat's taken--don't you see thre coat?"
Well, Im real sorry he left his coat here but that seat is empty--if he wanted the seat he shoulda stayed--he coulda taken a leak or gotten his damn Raisinettes BEFORE!! --well, anyway, that's what you wish you had the balls to say!
Okay you finally get the two seats--eyes still adjusting to the dark--you're trying so hard not to step on anyone's feet-- try not to touch any part of them with your ass as you go by, "excuse me! excuse me!"-- you finally plunk into your seats--find out real fast this is atheater with those super comfy seats with the backs that go back REAL FAST--you get whiplash and bang the person behind you's Knees!-- Okay movies almost starting--"Paramount--the old familiar reassuring craggy , snowy, pointy mountain-- presents an Amblin Pictures-- A New Line Picture----- Produced by Dreamworks Pictures---in association with Green Rhinoceros Productions, Produced by Seventh in Line Pictures--In association with Bombay Internet Tech Support--A David Kingleboop
Movie-- wait a minute!! WHO?? I mean Steven Spielberg, I can understand!--Martin Scorcese! -- Woody Allen (well maybe not so much lately) The Coen Brothers--but who the hell is David Kingleboop??!--is this supposed to impress me!!-- I'll tell ya who David Kingleboop is, he's a guy who's gonna be directing episodes of Julia Louse Dreyfuss's next lousy sitcom! the movie starts--" London a week from Thursday"--a foggy street, a woman mumbles something to a man we can't inderstand and shows him a map to someplace important, but since we can't hear what they're saying and can't read the crumply brown paper, written in ornate cursive by what looks like a fountain pen--we don't know who the hell they are, what the hell they're talking about, or what the hell they're looking for--and then the movie gets REALLY hard to understand!! Oh, I had to know what was going on in that opening scene--I shoulda paid more attention!!
Actually, don't feel bad or inferior if you didn't understand what was going on ijn the movie--most of these things are shot full of more logic holes than the Bush administration!! How doe s David Kingleboop, who is prolly about 2 years out of film school obscure these plot holes--I'll tellya in one word "ACTION"-- car chases, car crashes, explosions, i decapitations, brains splattered on walls, walls splattered on brains!-- unbelievable escapes--lets get real here --IMPOSSIBLE ESCAPES!!--I mean talk about having to suspend disbelief!!--in real life the hero woulda been dead within 13 minutes of the start of the film!--He gets through most of the movie alive by emerging from three car high speed collisions with a torn shirt sleeve, some blood on his arm a cut on his forehead--oh yeah, his hair's a little disheveled (unless he's Cary Grant!--for the old-timers!) Or he's able to air surf on the shock waves of a massive explosion--in reality he'd be in more pieces than Jude Law!-- or maybe he'll' be hanging from a helicopter, leap onto the top of a skyscaper--leap from lower ledge to lower ledge and then take his chances a jump when he sees Michael Moore passing on the sidewalk!!--then at the end , when the good guy could have been killed 17 times over by the villain who has him at gunpoint--or Bazooka Point--or WMD point--, the villain then feels compelled to go into a 6 1/2 minute treatise trying to explain to us what the hell's been going on and telling the hero that he's gonna die--but just wait a minute, I have a few more extra comments to add--this gives our hero time to figure away out of it and kill the villain--see if , we had been paying real close attention and tried to understand what the hell was going on, we woulda known that the villain is able to shoot tiny lethal bullets out of the tips of his shoelaces--he innocently bends down to tie his shoes and it's lights out for the bad guy!!--then you walk out of the theater--trying to avoid the eyes of those waiting in line for the next showing--their desperate eyes searching your impassive face--trying to tell whether they've wasted $9
But back to the thing that lets you be almost 20 minutes late for the movie showing--those damn previews!! I once counted 9 of them--one was for a picture so bad that some people walked out of the preview!! Which is unusual , because most of the previews are better than the actual film--they actually have an Award Show for previews!! Lets think about this just a second.. The function of most previews--I won't say all--but most--okay all-- is to make the film seem much, much better than it is!! In other words its the use of talent and creativity to deceive people--you know, just like TV ads! Oh yeah, they have an Award show too!! Cleo?? So the culture is saying , "Hey, lets get together and honor these people who are so good at deceiving us!! lets give them an Award!! ("Oh, something is rotten in the state of Denmark!--but they're getting refrigeration real soon!) What's with these Award Shows on every two weeks??--Is it just me but is there a Country Music Award Show on every three weeks??! Don't get me started on Country Music--I don't have any material!-- I can't believe they haven't had yet the AWARD for the BEST AWARD SHOW-Show!"
Previews --this preview is Rated "R"-- if you brought your 6 year-old daughter because you couldn't get or afford a baby-sitter--you're desperately trying to cover her eyes!! You poor moms sometimes--the kid starts crying--if you're courteous and responsible, you immediately hustle the child to the lobby and try to pacify her--you're missing some partws of the movie that you wouldn't understand anyway , even if you were there, so don't feel bad!!--but we appreciate you--thern there are those other moms --and dads, these are the days of equal opportunity irresponsibility--you just let the kid cry, or talk out loud every 8 minutes--"Why is the man writing the Magna Carta on the his underwear waistband? you'd like to tell her, but you have no idea what's going on either! Please, try REAL hard to get a baby-sitter, or wait for its DVD release!!
Te Preview--they always start something like this--"In aworld of dark--they found light!" "In a world of evil , theu found good!!, "In a world of Chocolate, they found vanilla! In aworld of aliittle bit country--they found Rock 'n Roll!"
Then you see all the car crashes and car chases nd dismemberments, and escapes!! you know , the best part of the movie--if that's what you like!! So, why don't they just put the Previews on DVD and save us from the other hour 41 minutes that makes us feel like we have ADD!!??