Diary of a Desparate Househusband, Chapter One.

Chapter One

Yes, I've been unemployed for a year now , come four days and eight hours.
And I can tell ya, it's been no bed of roses---well, except for that threesome I had with those two women both named Rose, but I digress, and fantasize.
When Thomas Paine wrote "These are the times that try men's souls", besides being oppressed by a foreign nation, he must have been a HOUSEHUSBAND.

Before I lost my job, it was two of us grumpily hitting the damnable alarm clock, and making the Bataan Death March to the lavatory, getting dressed for work and leaving the house with that certain joie de vivre most memorably noted on the faces of men being tied to the stake ahead of a firing squad.
Ah, those were the days.!!

Now, it's just my wife who has to go through this dispiriting routine, while I, wracked with guilt, enjoy an extra couple, three hours sleep.
Incidentally I do think she could be a little more considerate and hit that snooze button a little quicker when the alarm sounds, and by not slamming the house and car doors as loud as she does! Not to mention waking me up with the car key gouged into my back to kiss me goodbye, and give me my duties for the day.
My first job, after deciding which pair of shorts to wear, is to feed the dogs and walk the cats.
That's when I must fend off the blandishments of the town hussy, Salacia---she's been married 19 times, and took every man for what he was worth, which was why she lived in that used single-wide and drives a '72 Chevy Vega.
She makes more passes at men than Peyton Manning.
Her legs are tattooed "Vacancy---Inquire Within".
I must admit a few times I've been tempted to leave the cats' leashes tied to the porch and sample her wares, but I didn't have change of a dollar.


Then I take an orange pill, a pink pill, two little white pills, and my vitamins from the Health Food store---_B-Complx- B-Simple, B-Sharp, anti-depressent, depressent, Fish Oil, Guppy Oil, St. John's Wort(a most unsightly tablet!), Echinacia, Echinafrica, Upanadums and my tranquilizer, Fukitol. I wash it all down with a cup of Joe---and a peanut butter sandwich.
Hey, I may be out of work, but that doesn't mean it should in any way affect my Patrician tastes.

Next, it's onto the web to answer my voluminous spam mail; tell Mr. Okudambata from Nigeria that "No! I'm not interested in having Fort Knox deposited in my checking account!! How could it fit??!!".
Sign online petitions to Save the Whales, Save the Wolves, Save the Dolphins, Save the Squirrels and Save the Gnats.
Find out what idiotic remark someone I don't know said to someone else I don't know on my Facebook page. +++

Next chapter of "Diary of a Desparate Househusband"---Writing in my Blog, or, "Talking to Myself!!"