Thinking Outside the Envelope

*** Ariel, my aspiring actress cousin, just can't buy a break---she got a principal role in Broadway's Into the Woods and on opening night she was attacked by a bear!

*** There's a new searing autobiography of a boy who was raised by an abusive lesbian couple.
It's titled Mommie and Mommie Dearest---the lad was driven nuts by one parent who hated wire hangers and the other who only wanted him to use wooden ones.

*** I was told that shampoo and laundry detergent are essentially the same. To save money, I washed my hair with liquid Tide. My hair was limp and lifeless. Someone told me I was supposed to add "Bounce".

*** Down on his luck comic actor Michael Richards was quoted as saying "Let Newman Write My Epitaph".

*** If you want to get something somewhere fast, shouldn't you really say, "I want it there Pre Haste?!!"

*** Reports are that there is a lot of propane eminating from Uranus, according to a leading Gastronomer.

*** The gas station where my nephew changed flats went out of business. In the boss's reference he was called a tireless worker.

*** I know Obama wants his stimulus package to work, but I thought it was unseemly and demeaning to see him on an Infomercial hawking distressed properties at bargain basement prices.