"You're Once, Twice, Three Times a Multiple Personality Woman"

*** I hear there's a new book out, "Kate Beckinsale, Rachel McAdams and Kate Bosworth: How to Tell Them Apart".

*** My friend's a "prop comic"---he goes on stage so drunk they have to prop him up.

*** I'm no racetrack tout, but I'll never again bet on a horse named "Alpo Pride".

*** This may sound cuckoo but I believe there are aliens already living on earth and some can be seen on TV. Evidence?? Okay, next time you get a chance really look at James Carville, Cokie Roberts and Alan Colmes. I rest my case!

*** I'm tired of those damn shows about Roswell already. I know the truth. Yes, it really was a weather balloon. But it was an ALIEN weather balloon!!

*** I wouldn't say our dogs have a lot of fleas, but whenever you're near them you can hear circus music?

*** I think our vet is trying to rip us off-- I mean, has anyone else ever heard of Feline Acne?
*** My sister's not ready for Mensa-she thought Cirque D'Soleil was a bath oil. Plus, I thought I made it clear to her what I wanted for my birthday, so she brings me a pea pod.