"How are Things With Your Glaucoma?"

THIS IS NEWS TO ME:
"Saudi king says oil should be higher at $75 per barrel"--who asked him?

• "Bush discusses Mumbai massacre with diplomats, security team"---how's that War on Terror coming, by the way?

• "Wal-Mart shoppers sought who trampled N.Y. worker";
• "Fatal shooting followed Toys 'R' Us store brawl"---"It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year".
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*** I thought I was experiencing stigmata till a skeptical scientist pointed out I forgot to take the pins out of my new shirt.

*** My friend's a frustrated writer---he can't put one intelligible sentence together!

*** My alcoholic uncle complained that AA has a very negative attitude. He said they want his glass to be completely empty!

*** A crazy friend claims that a female clown once performed fellatio on him and said, "Up your hose with a rubber nose!"

*** Then there was the dyslexic who suffered from acrophobia. Whenever he was in a high place, he was warned, "Don't look up!"

*** I'm not sure I applied for Unemployment Insurance correctly. They're insuring me I'll remain unemployed!

*** I had to tell my son that he didn't have to take Evelyn Woods' Speed Reading course to be a cop checking cars with a radar gun!

*** I think my hair stylist is coming on to me. I told her, "Not too short". She said, "Tell me more!"

*** My uncle is really cheap. He gave my aunt a $20 gift certificate for Tiffany's.