Are you ready for some CROQUET???

*** Actor Jake Gyllenhall reportedly has a big gay following---Gyllenhall said he intends to have the guy arrested.

*** In a latter day U-2 incident, Bono and his band's plane were forced to land when they crossed into Russian air space.

*** People say I perform best on a chair, sofa, or stool because I have talent where I sit.

*** Some of these search engines are developing an attitude---I googled in "The Who" and it came back with "First Base"!

*** Thanks to the History Channel, the Discovery Channel and The Learning Channel, I now have an encyclopedic knowledge of a vast array of things that probably don't exist.

*** I wouldn't say that a lot of NFL players have run afoul of the law these days, but many of them are on strictly enforced Stadium Arrest.

*** In the spirit of "Autism--the Musical", and "Menopause--the Musical", comes "Tourette's Syndrome---the Rap Musical."

*** John McCain cited Sarah Palin's question, "What exactly does a Vice President do?" as a sign that he picked as his running mate "a woman with an inquiring mind, eager to learn!"

*** In a tragic note, members of New York's Polar Bear Club---people who go swimming in the ocean in near zero-temperatures---all drowned as they couldn't find an ice floe to swim to.

*** Well, my wife is divorcing me for mental cruelty---it was that one last time I made her watch Pauly Shore's "The Son-in-Law" that broke the camel's back.