Ying and Yangs

*** An ex-lover of Englebert Humperdink, who inspired one of his songs, caustically said it should have been titled, "And I Put You to Sleep DURING the Loving."

*** Jesse Jackson explained his comment about wanting to cut off Barack Obama's "nuts," as well-intentioned, claiming that the procedure had already been perfomed successfully on the rest of the Democrats and has "increased their ability to take any position that'll get 'em elected."


*** In the upcoming Al Pacino film, "The Phone Call", he plays a man who has to make a life and death phone call. With his cell phone battery dead, he futilely tries one public phone after another. Finally, he screams, in anguish, "This phone's outta order! That phones outta order!! All these DAMN PHONES ARE OUTTA ORDER!HOO-WAH!!!!"

*** Scientists at UCLA said they carbon dated a strand of John McCain's hair back to the Jurassic Period.

*** In an immodest moment, I boasted on myself with the phrase, "the cream always rises to the top," to which my wife responded, "Yeah, and shit floats!"

*** I don't get it---my wife watches "30-Minute Meals, and I get 30-second microwave dinners!

*** I read about a Native-American bartender who was fired for charging customers $24 for a Manhattan.

*** In Prague, it was reported that an embryo was successfully implanted in a male to carry to term---the headlines said, "The Czech is in the Male!"

*** In a bit of irony, the "Ghost Hunters," roto-rooter men by day and paranormal investigators by night, revealed that a house thought haunted's manifestations all stemmed from the house's plumbing problems---the homeowners were quite irate when not only were they charged for the repairs but for the time the team spent on the road.

***I caught my wife in bed with another man. I said, "Hey, you two---get offa me!!"


*** A Hollywood archivist shocked filmdom with the discovery that the working title of D.W. Griffith'ss classic was "I Aint Never Birthed Me No Nation Befo'!!"