My First Monologue--I was almost held over for another minute!!

Just flew in from Iraq and boy, are the armies tired! Is it just me or have we killed al Qaeda's #2 man about 17 times already---- gay Bomb"- spray a bunch of soldiers with it and they turn homosexual and don't wanta fight--that's the theory--have these guys seen Ryan Seacrest and Simon Cowell on American Idol?? You spray the soldiers and instead of them wanting to be decorated--they just want to redecorate!!! Pink Alerts?? Yep, I live in Lawtey, the world's most famous speed trap *--I gotta ticket for walkin' too fast!!* I got cited for doing 18 in a 15mph school zone--Cop said "Where's the Fire?" (no students around within a mile) -then he gave me a ticket for not having my seat belt fastened----yeah, I don't wanna hit that winsdshield zoomin along at 18!!-- might muss my hair!! their elementary was just named an A" school--unfortunately, the youngest student in the school is 16!! Lawtey--leading export--Rust--
Lawtey--the Tooth Fairy filed for bankruptcy!
Some excitement last week--we had a two car pile-up! Got a lot of mobile homes-- got one park called the Tornado Mobile Home Park--how stupid is that!!?--*** Lot of domestic abuse--We had one very creative abusive husband--he told the cops, "Them ain't bruises--they's post-modern impressionist tattoos!!" --musta taken some art classes!
God-fearin people--in fact they're TERRIFIED!! Ah, but Lawtey--Gateway to exotic Starke!! You ask some people where they're from-"-Oh, I'm from Fleming Island,I'm from Crystal Springs!, I'm from St. Augustine-"," "--where you from--STARKE!!!! Where?? STARKE!!! Yunno ol' Sparky--we gave Ted Bundy a rump roast about 20 years back!! By the way, why do they put alcohol on the guy's arm before the lethal injection?? Infection??
Starke's got more businesses than Lawtey-- then again it's not hard to top two gas stations and a Pecan Stand!
In Starke it seems like everything's Ed's business--Ed's Appliances, Ed's Automotive, Ed's Bank, Ed's School, Ed's Church--I was feeling a little depressed and anxious--my doctor sent me to Ed's Medical Center and Bait Shop! -- not the smartest country doctor--he thinks Lou Gehrig's Disease is an uncontrollable compulsion to play first base for the Yankees. Also, it was a bit disconcerting when he gave me a prostate exam--and I could feel his 2 hands on my shoulder!! But the whispering in my ear part about " Squeal like a pig!"" really weirded me out!
Cross on the tower--I complicated things --I demanded they put a Star of David up!!--That's right--I'm Jewish--we put the "OY" in JOY!--Compromise--the church and town have agreed to call it a Holy Water and Seltzer Tank.