Thank You Ladies and Germs

Had 'bout 12 cars in my life-- one 'em was new--a Geo-Metro--yunno, zero to 60 in an hour and a half!! This car had 3 cylinders--and only two sparkplugs!
But it was like one of em bumper cars at the carnival--when I first took it out of the dealership there was a man standing on the side of the car, holding a long pole!!
I taught my younger son how to drive in it--I cautioned him--, now look randy, this is not a real car but a reasonable facsimile--remember those bumper cars?--but anyway. He passed on his first shot--aren't you proud-- unfortunately, he had to go to real traffic instructor to learn how to drive a real car--they started 'em slow--started with a Pinto--, then a Vega... moved on up...It took his mother--well, she flattened so many traffic cones that they figured it was cheaper just to give her the damn thing!-- I grew up (allegedly) in Brooklyn (lets hear it!!!)--the transportation system USED to be so good you really didn't need a car--you could get anywhere in the whole city in maybe 45 minutes by subway or bus--I didn't learn how to drive until I was 24--the year after I lost my virginity--but I was married a year by then and figured I didn't need it, so didn't go looking for it... Yeah, I was 23-- the sexual revolution was going on back then--the 60's-- free Love--Yeah, the Sexual Revolution--unfortunately I was a conscientious objector---What can I say--painfully, PAINFULLY SHY--Just the mention of going to a party or somewhere where girls were would cause me to break out into a cold sweat--see my nose now--well, this WAS the way my nose looked until I was about 11 years-old when I had my nose broken in some "Jackass" level activity-- never had it fixed--didn't think about it much--the swelling went down--I thought I had maybe alittle bump on my nose--then I saw myself from the side in a double mirror--I hadn't screamed like that except when the old skeleton lady in the rocking chair in Psycho...What I thought was merely a barely conspicuous bump on my nose, now looked to me like the astrodome...anyway, as you can see it's been fixed--yeah, I cut off my nose to spite my race---It's now a thing of beauty and a GOY forever!--seriously, I had a most untypical Jewish nose--and with my last name Harris-- my friends Joel Lipshivivitz, Sheldon Steinwitzstein and Charlie Appleblatt (that last one's real!) didn't fare too well when the Italian and Irish tough guys came around and called us Christ-killers--I pleaded that I had only been found guilty of a third degree manslaughter--I went to the hardware to get the nails, but I thought they were going to hang pictures!--!! But where was I before I digressed from my digression?... So anyway, when I got a look at my hooter, which looked like something Picasso painted after a few hits of Peyote, I knew then and there I was no babe magnet--or so I thought--and lived by that belief for a grueling ten years of sexual urgency, finding its release only=---well, they say Dorothy Parker named her canary Onan because he was always spilling his seed on the floor--you get the picture--you may not WANT to get the picture--but it's too late now--i've made that moment dfistasteful! Anyway, back to my original digression---I bought my first car ever when I was 24--It was a turquoise, 1965 Dodge Dart--it was in mint condition--it cost me a mint to keep it in condition!--No, that was true of many of my later cars from Stephen King's Used Car lot!--but, the Dodge dart--there was a car, as any of you out there who know about cars knows was one solid car--slant 6 engine--Drove back and forth from NY to Florida three times--not ONE problem--but, you see , I never had a car in my life--knowed zippa dee dah about auto mechanics--I needed the Dummies Guide to Auto Mechanics for Idiots! (and the Cliff Notes!) never checked the fluids--no, I knew enough to put water in when I had to-- but that was about it--never checked the oil-- driving in miami--statrt to hear a low knocking sound from up front--of course, like all auto-mechanic challenged people like me--I did the thing we all do==I ignored it and prayed that it would go away--but it didn't go away--each day, knocking a little louder, a little louder, like the dismemebered man's heartbeat from underr the floorboards in "The Tell-Tale Heart"!--sorry, I had an intellectually pretentious moment! Okay--Louder and louder--and aboutthe time I decide in my infinite wisdom, "Hey, yunno, this is something I might want to have looked into!"--the car just stops! Dead! Won't turn over--Dead--tow -truck guy comes--"yunno your car ain't go a drop of oil in it, dontcha?"-- I said, whatdya mean, I just put 5 gallons in the tank this morning!!--long story short --I know: TOO LATE!! Lost to this day the best car I ever had--my first car!!--Ever since, it's been going from one lemon to the next--attracting me with its tawdriness--it's cheapness--it's bobble-headed dog in the back window--sure it let me use it for a while--then it too left me-then another lemon-- I had more lemons than the English navy had on its boats in the 19th century--every now and then I like to throw in a little history pop quiz--anyone know what that means--hands??--I lied tyhough--I died have one date with girl--it was set up by my rabbi (roll eyes)-- I took her to Drive-In movie on a very cold winter night--the car was freezing--after a while she asked me if I wanted to put my hands in her blouse and under her skirt to warm them up--I said, Oh, no thanks, I brought my gloves!!--hopeless!
Thanks, you've been a grating audience!