It's Beginning to Feel A Lot Like Chanukkah

**** My theory on why Mickey Rourke failed to get an Oscar for The Wrestler---male members of the academy were too busy rewinding Marisa Tomei's several appearances either nude or scantily clad to notice what Rourke was doing. Oh yeah---she "blends!"

**** My ex refers to our 24-hour lovemaking marathon when we wre newlywes as The Day the Earth Stood Still.

**** A bio reveals that during the making of his last film, technicians snickered behind his back that Henry Fonda was making some Golden Ponds of his own.

**** My rich, but frail 87-year old grandfather married a 20-year-old nympho--- She said she wants sex seven days a week- He said, "Put me down for Thursday."

**** Inside show biz sources report that the admittedly uncomely Susan Boyle has been given advice by her agent to put a bag over her head and call herself "The "Unknown Singer". One wag has beeen heard to snipe that, as far as looks go, she's the "Poor man's Julia Child!"

**** In a major TV contract dispute, the kid actor on "Two and a Half Men" said that since he is now growing pubic hair, he's demanding that the title of the show be changed to "Three Men". NBC execs are responding that then the show will not sound suitable for prime-time family viewing.

**** I've mentioned before that my aunt Shirley is kind of on the "hefty" side---I remember once at the beach someone broke a bottle of champagne on her butt before she went in the water.
One time when she was in danger of drowning the Coast Guard threw her a harpoon.

**** According to the scandal sheets Former Nightly Business News anchor Lou Dobbs has been seen squiring actress Selma Hayek around town. He commented to one insistent reporter--"Hey, she's documented, okay??!!

**** I wish my wife could be more supportive. I boasted to her "Someday, I'll be coming into living rooms all across the nation. Do you know what that means?"
She said, "Crowded kitchens!!??

**** Let me get this straight--- Tiger Woods, the multi-gazillionaire golfer has been messing around on his wife---I say "STOP THE PRESSES!!" Please!!