The Legend of Baggy Pants

I went to this woman's house 'cause they told me she put out---they were right---she put me out in a second!
Relatedly, I once drove a girl to a remote spot and said, "Put out or get out!". She said, "Oh, I was put out quite awhile ago!" Anyway, I got out.

*** Gotta an e-mail imploring me to "Speak Out for African Elephants..."--well, I'm trying to get a trunk line.

*** Oh, call me a Haymarket Square, but I've always loved Mayday.

*** That Russian parade of soldiers and military hardware---it was kinda the Thanksgiving Day Parade sponsored by Blackwater.

*** My father was a lousy golfer---everytime he took practice swings he hit the ball.

*** Joe Biden's not a loose cannon---he's a loose armada.

*** In her divorce papers Sean Penn's wife cited his brooding silences and inaudible mutterings. Then she got down to the stuff she found intolerable.

*** I'm wondering about my still single friend. He goes into bars and asks attractive women, "Do ewes come here often?"

*** That Rasputin was a real Felonious Monk!

*** I was always fascinated by Rasputin;s demise. The counts who assassinated him first gave him enough poison to kill the Clydesdales, then stabbed him repeatedly, shot him several times, hit him over the head with clubs till he was unconscious, put him in a sack and threw him in the river.
The coroner said he died of drowning---okay David Blaine---you're on!

*** We invited my slutty niece for the weekend--we can't get her to stop dancing on the Maypole.