Something Wicker This Way Comes

*** My parents had an odd way of costuming me for Halloween. One year they sent me out dressed all in white with a carrot in my ear and I was to tell people I was a snowman made by a blind person.

*** I was a fat kid. One year they put spokes protruding from all around my body and I was to tell people I was Sputnik.

*** Then they made me go around just holding a picture of the north's most famous Civil War general. When people asked who I was , I said "Cary Grant."

*** We lived in a six-story apartment building, so we never left the building when trick-o-treating. And it was mostly Jewish people. It's not easy carrying a treat bag with gefilte fish and Matzoh Ball soup sloshing around inside. And you had to watch out for the nutcases who'd put a razor blade in your blintz! Some people gave us money but asked for change and a receipt.

*** And then you'd have to stop and listen to how their children and grandchildren were doing. "Heshie, he should only live and be well----he's doing very well for himself, God bless him. He and a partner are opening up an Edsel dealership!"

*** On of my taller friends went as Moses and when the first lady opened her door, she yelled, "Max, come here and look---it's Charlon Heston!!

*** One anti-semite neighbor would scare us by lowering his lights down low, inviting us in and then reading us passages from Mein Kampf!!

*** One year I had a Superman costume---probably a bad idea for a fat kid. when I ran making the cape fly behind me I looked like a giant running police whistle.

*** Another year I went as Davy Crockett---I looked like I' ate me a bear when I was only three.'

*** Just a few tips in these recessionary times on trick or treating:
-- Put a sign on your back saying, "This Trick or Treater is carrying No More Than 17 Cents".
--- Beware of strangers putting "Get Rich At Home " pamphlets in your bag.
--- Make sure the candy is in in its original wrapper---not half-chewed, or with a cigarette butt stuck to it.
--- If an old codger dressed as John McCain come to your door, it may really be him trying to get last minute money for his campaign.
--- Make sure that the well-dressed black man coming as Barack Obama isn't really a Jehovah's Witness.