Apples and Oranges

*** I have a cousin with the worst business sense---he opened a car lot called "The Lemon Grove", and later a butcher shop called "The Liver Spot".

*** I quit my doctor when I learned he thought Lou Gehrig's Disease was an uncontrollable compulsion to play first base for the Yankees.

*** I wouldn't say my finances are bad, but those two kids I'm feeding in Africa just sued me for non-support.

*** I tried to join up with MySpace---they told me they had no more room!

*** I had a very brief job writing dialogue for the porno film, "Tip Go Through the Two Lips". Remember "Oh God! Yes! YES! Harder! HARDER!!"? I wrote that. They had to reshoot the scene 7 times as the actress kept flubbing the lines.

*** I'm not sure if I prefer to watch Ted Danson, or Christopher Walken---I like listening to Ellen Barkin. Of course, acording to the Bible, it was Jews First, Christian Slater.

*** I'm pissed--at 4 a.m. a guy from Bombay called me and asked me to help him with his computer.

*** I told my wife I've been seeing another woman. We went straight to the optometrist and had that taken care of.

*** A long time ago a cute chick at the beach said to me, "Ya know, your bathing suit matches your eyes. I said, "You mean my eyes are bulging too??"

*** I read there's a cereal killer stalking Battle Creek, Michigan.

*** Hoot Gibson's autobiography is out, "I Thought I Heard the Owl Call My Name."

*** John McCain's so old, his last AARP Magazine didn't send him a renewal card.

*** Remember the old Stillman Water Diet? I tried it, but wound up gaining 16 gallons!

**I wouldn't say my aunt's a hypochondriac, but she's left instructions that she be buried near her doctor.