twainfile

HOMELAND

2011-10-09T21:28:00.000-07:00

"Homeland"

In short, "24" meets "Crossing Jordan" meets "Nurse Jackie."

Chicken Soup TV

2010-11-20T08:50:00.000-08:00

*** Notice to kidnappers, In light of the economy,A King's Ransom has officially been devalued to a Palace Guard's.

*** I couldn't hurt ya in a million years...right NOW though...

*** "Latest: "Al-Qaeda Promises More Small-Scale Terror Attacks"--- wow, I guess they'r hurtin' too in this economy!

***And the #1 most frequent headline of the year, "NFL Player arrested for DUI".

#2 Consumer confidence Index shows gains"

#3 "Unemployment rate grows"

#4 "Unemployment claims decrease"

#5 "Ecomomy slides"

#6 "Economy makes slow gains"

#7 "Consumer Confidence Index falls

#8 Bill Maher takes stab at Jon Stewaert"

#9 Keith Olbermann trashes Bill Maher"

#10 Stephen Colbert takes aim at Rachel Ray"

One giant leap for mankind.

2010-11-03T06:46:00.000-07:00

"(AP)An Iranian woman whose sentence of execution by stoning for adultery provoked a worldwide outcry will instead be hanged for murder on Wednesday, a human rights group said."

Ah, kinda restores your faith in human progress, don't it??

Foot Free and Fancy Loose

2010-10-30T08:18:00.000-07:00

Upcoming TV Highlights for the Week:

MONSTER QUEST
The team investigates reports of a strange hairy creature
roaming downtown Cincinatti.

UFO HUNTERS

The team attempts to prove that, although the UFOs recently spotted over Manhattan were identified as party balloons, they were nevertheless party balloons from Neptune.

DESIGN ON A DIME

The team of decorators are shot dead ending an altercation over the house owners hating the result and refusing to pay the $1,000.

GARDENING BY THE YARD

Paul James plants a bed of Petunias while denying over and over that he was the inspiration for Ned Flanders on The Simpsons.

PAWN STARS

Ol' curmudgeonly granddad finally makes good on his threats to kill them, when his son, grandson and his idiot friend buy an etch-a-sketch for $50,000.

Saturday Afternoon Half-Alive!!

2010-10-23T09:09:00.001-07:00

*** I told my wife how much I like that old standard, Make Someone Happy---she said "Good, when are you gonna start??!"

*** That ol' classic Lady Chatterly's Lover is hot--- I had the urge to light up a cigarette every seven pages!

*** In yet another devastating indication of the utter failure of our education system, last weekend "Jackass 3-D" took in 50 million dollars.

*** Those damn honks that cars give off when the owner locks it by remote control make me nervous. I always react by thinking I'm blocking someone's way, or almost hitting them as I back out of a spot.

The Dorothy Parker "What Fresh Hell Is This?" File

2010-10-12T06:10:00.001-07:00

--- Cindy O'Connell

--- Bridezillas

--- Outsourced

--- Tracy Morgan---funny? Really??

--- NY gov hopeful Carl Paladino.

--- Swamp People

--- Charlie Sheen BACK on that unmentionable show.

Flotsam and Jetsons

2010-09-27T07:37:00.000-07:00

*** Crazy times---a friend of mine is taking Extreme Meditation!

*** Sarah Palin's gynecologist said she needed a D&C, so she went to Washington.

*** Generally, I never generalize.

*** That Mexican Drug War is getting worse---I read that at a child's birthday party in Juarez, a body fell out of the Pinata.

*** I read that when the three executives from the Wright County Dairy, which caused the salmonella outbreak, got to the Senate to testify, one of 'em said, "Last one to the Fifth Amendment's a Rotten Egg!!"

*** My cousin, the realtor used to be an Art Historian---he couldn't understand why he rarely got a laugh with his line after selling a pleased customer a duplex , "Gee! A Condo Smile!!"

*** I proudly told my wife "I have a mind odf my own!" She said. "Well who the hell else would want to claim it!!"

ForeHead Lines

2010-09-15T06:24:00.000-07:00

*** U.S. commander: Iraqis ready to handle their own security ---and Susan Boyle will be in the next Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition.

*** Huge ice island breaks off one of Greenland's main glaciers---gives whole new meaning to Island Getaway.

*** Personality set for life by 1st grade, study suggests---must explain why I still play with blocks.

*** Is extreme heat evidence of global warming? -DUH!!

*** USDA reportedly knew of problems at farm before egg recall---"Here's your brain---Here's your brain with Salmonella!"

***Report: U.S. must deal with domestic radical problem - Well,looks like the Tea Baggers may be in trouble.

*** Local politician gives screaming, emotional speech but loses--"I don't understand, he lamented, "It worked for Hitler!"

*** Al-Qaeda No. 2 criticizes Pakistani government in new tape---hey, you'd be pissy too if you had already been killed 17 tmes!

*** Lady Gaga speaks, Reid acts on 'don't ask, don't tell--- when did she replace Nancy Pelosi??!'

Letting Bedbugs Bite

2010-09-14T07:15:00.000-07:00

*** Hopes for the Middle East peace talks have been scotched as leaked Israeli documents revealed a long range plan to open up hundreds of Bagel Nosh es in Gaza and the West Bank.
Reached for comment, the leader of the Palestine Authority said, "I filafel!"

*** One of the hikers detained in Iran has or has not been released, having to pay or not pay $500,000 bail, said a spokesman for Ahmadenijad who may or may not be the leader of Iran.

*** Well, I finally got me a Clunker for Cash. It's in mint condition, which it will cost me to keep it running. It's got three-cylinders---supposed to have 6!

*** Working on a horror screenpaly Attack if the Oil Eating Microbes!

*** Obama said he is sticking firm to his intention to do away with tax cuts for the rich---until at least those contributions come in for his reelection campaign.

Bonfire of the Idiocies

2010-09-12T07:39:00.000-07:00

The 19th-century German poet Heinrich Heine so presciently warned us, "Those who burn books will someday burn people".

How true!

That being said, I must confess to indulging in my own personal little bonfires now and then---Okay, I have no intention of burning people-in the forseeable future that is, but I had no qualms about putting to the torch the following:

All of the works of Danielle Steele;James Patterson; Nicholas SparksVanna Speaks; Stephen King's last 10 books; all autobiographies of those who served in government leadership positions since LBJ took office;
90% of John Grisham's books;books about the trials and tribulations of teenage vampires and werewolves in love; all current and future books by Arnie Harris; Mein Kampf, The DaVinci Code.

My Last Duchy

2010-09-11T08:25:00.000-07:00

*** Oh, the culture's gone to hell alright--- Just saw an advertisement for new reality show America's Next Great Serial Killer!

*** It's about time TV entertainer Pinky Lee got his due--- the long awaited biography nears release: "Pinky in Print".

*** I read Morey Amsterdam got his last name because whenever he took a girl on a date it was Dutch Treat!

*** "Don't Ask!--Don't Tell!"-- should be the motto of our business and industry regulators..

*** It is absolutely untrue that Dementia Praecox was the name given to a form of insanity afflicting women who remained virgins too long.

Anonymous Bosh

2010-09-10T06:08:00.000-07:00

*** So BP has been writing Environmental Curriculum for California schools---I guess they got the idea from when the NAZIS initiated their "LETS COMBAT ANTI-SEMITISM" program during WW II.

*** The Gainesville minister vowing to burn the Koran, has reached a compromise with the other side---he says he will now fill his bonfire with tapes and DVD's of Lawrence of Arabia.

*** As far as Paris Hilton goes, I think they should lock her up and throw away the kilo!.

*** I tried re-inventing myself, but I haven't heard a thing from the Patent Office in three years!

*** I'm developing an All-Clothed revival of Oh Calcutta---so far the Disney Channel's interested.

*** Fidel Castro blasted Iran's Ahmadenijad as being an an anti-semite.
"Fidel!! Who knew?!! A lansman!! Go know!!"

*** Stupid show on Sci-Fi Channel---The Search for the Jersey Devil!!-- Great, they wound up at a Hockey Rink!

*** So where the hell's the "Iraq War Over" ticker-tape parade down Broadway?

*** Britney Spears, desperate to revive her flagging career is issuing a new CD, Britney's Got Talent.

Ether Leftovers

2010-09-06T20:08:00.000-07:00

**** An interesting historical anecdote:

After the signing of the peace treaty at Appamattox ending the Civil War, Jefferson Davis offered to buy General Grant and his staff a round of drinks, but Grant said, "Forget it!---your money's no good here!!"

**** What a lousy film I just saw--- I read that after release it went direct to Syndicated Television

**** People are being so nice lately---treating me like they're my aunts or uncles---they're always calling out to me, " Hey!! Neph--EW!!"

**** Good news from Unemployment---I've been renewed for 13 weeks!!

Just Whistle Stoppin'

2010-08-16T09:18:00.001-07:00

*** Reportedly during the making of Avatar, perfectionist director James Cameron yelled at some of the extras until he was blue in the face.

*** In other new, Tom Petty and his band are investing in a chain of travel Inns:
The Heartbreaker Hotel

*** The FBI is investigating a report that if and when "The Ground Zero Mosque" is built, a band of Tea Baggers plan to fly a hijacked airplane into it.

*** No doubt about it---there's a Vas Deferens between men and women.

Do Not Fail to Miss It!!

2010-08-11T12:32:00.000-07:00

Inception's plot is what they call "high concept".
I believe it because director Chis Nolan must have been high when he came up with this ultimately ludricous film.
In reality, it is not so much about dream weaving, but tying a convoluted Gordian knot of confusion.
The only time I really understood what was going on on screen, was when the film broke about halfway through. Unfortunately it was re-spliced, which prevented me from going home without a splitting headache.
A fine, intense performance by DiCaprio is wasted amidst this cinematic chaos and excess.

Joe Friday

2010-08-06T15:23:00.000-07:00

*** My sister!! When we lived in Brooklyn she planned a trip to the Netherlands and thought all she had to do was take the Holland Tunnel!.

*** Underground Railway---Later renamed the Lincoln Tunnel.

*** I've lost my desire to write "The Great American Novel"---turns out Phillip Roth already did
almost 40 years ago! DAMN!!
Settin' my sights a bit lower---"The Great American Twee"

*** He who runs away lives to run away another day.

*** Rep. Orrin Hatch of today,The "that's a nice lookin' stick you have up your ass Jim"---"Oh yours too, Bob!!" Party proposed that unemployment compensation recipients be drug-tested before being given their money---OH NO YOU DIDN'T!!

*** To Congressman Charles Rangel---okay, if you're gonna be a greasy character that doesn't mean literally slathering it all over your head!!

*** So,, Chelsea Clinton's new husband is an Investment Banker---nice to see Bill taking him into the family business.

Put on a Happy Face (Or as Nelson Rockefeller said, "Put Happy on My Face"!

2010-08-05T06:10:00.000-07:00

*** A joke for my Latino friends:

Take my wife!! POR FAVOR!!

*** I hate wiseacres -- once lost in NY traffic, I asked a guy for directions to

the tunnel to New Jersey---"Ah, he replied, you refer to the tunnel that will convey

you to the Garden State! The Viaduct!"

Unable to think of ONE witty riposte, with which to deflate his pomposity,I let him continue...

"Okay, My good man---proceed to that traffic light 4 blocks down, and you're as

good as there! You can't miss it, it's the tunnel at the end of the light!"

"Damn New Yorker! readers, I muttered!

*** Wise guy doctor---I asked him what blood type I am---he answered "B-O!"

*** I guess you could say Bob Marley could really wail away with a blunt instrument.

*** Book of Revelations update---7:19:
"And ye, the suffering and sore angry denizens of this realm, sought succor in the carnival, in the adventures and conversations of women of the lowest regard and ignorance whom dwelleth in the Land of Piscataway"

*** That BP really pulled a corker, Huh!??

*** It's a Good News/Bad News deal
Good News: the leak's been stopped and 75% of the oil has just disappeared.

Bad News: The oil's been devoured by the dispersants to form an often lethal toxin that may soon be available in a neighborhood near you.

*** I always leave 'em laughing---of course they're usually stone silent.

*** Speaking of tunnels, can you imagine being a worker on one of those when it was built? ---I mean, I woulda hated to be the guy chosen to put up the first brick!

Economic Indicator

2010-08-03T09:41:00.000-07:00

"MANCHESTER, Conn (8/3). – A warehouse driver who was asked to resign his job at a beer distributor refused, then opened fire Tuesday morning, a company executive said. Police said the gunman and several other people were killed and others were wounded, one critically."

Yup, folks, these stories have been coming at about a rate of once a week now.

Analysts believe that if the economy continues its descent--at its current rate-- down the crapper, we can expect to see this little filler items about three times a week in the near future.

WHO IS this man?

2010-08-02T07:59:00.000-07:00

I wrote down Obama's promise the morning after winning the Iowa Caucus in '07:
"If elected president I will have the soldiers home from Iraq in thirty days".
Since being snookered into voting for him, I've become more and more angered by his "leadership".
There is so much---on the surface---that is enviable about the man-- his apparent earnestness, his polish, charm and eloquence, his debonair way---but I've grown to realize that this all a pre-programmed personality package our corpo-political overseers successfully sold us.

The worst thing I can say about him is, that at best, he's another Clintonesque centrist-to-slightly-left Democrat who says all the pretty things to mollify the Left, while obligingly pursuing our rapacious corporate-military agenda.

(Part II tomorrow)

The Auschwitz Hustle

2010-07-16T08:48:00.000-07:00

*** Rumor has it that the night before the successful cap placement, BP tested the Gulf with a mile long dipstick which informed them the Gulf was finally half full.

*** Well, Congress has told Wall Street straight out---"Next time you're gonna pull a heist, let us in on it, too!!"

*** I guess that planned remake of Tango and Cash with Mel Gibson and Charlie Sheen has been kaiboshed!

My Opening Farewell

2010-07-10T12:05:00.001-07:00

*** Well, I guess I'll be canceling that "M. Night Shyamalan Film Festival".

2010-06-26T11:13:00.001-07:00

You can't make this stuff up (From Yahoo News Page):

"TRENDING NOW:
Jennifer Aniston

Adolf Hitler

Tom Cruise..."

*** For their daughter Edith Bunker's marriage her parents hired a Marry Archie band.

*** My sister is not a PBS watcher. I had to explain to her that "Frontline" was not a show about dogs with flea infestation.

All the News to Give Ya Fits

2010-06-24T09:18:00.000-07:00

*** Hewlett-Packard to cut 9,000 jobs---workers to get their pink printouts.

*** BP confirms Bob Dudley in key Gulf clean-up role--Will Dudley Do Right??

*** "U.K. jet passengers stuck on Conn. tarmac for hours"--hey, coulda been worse---they were supposed to go to Newark!

*** "Bin Laden hunter on his way back to U.S"--- forgot to obtain hunting license.

*** "ACLU Urges Jacksonville to Stop Prayers"--- Hey, c'mom---the Jaguars need all the help they can get!

*** "Adolf Hitler got special treatment in prison according to new documents found near Munich"---guards dressed him and tied his shoelaces in little nazis.

*** "Europe austerity moves boost risk of rift with United States"--that'll be novel!

*** "Crews battle 10,000-acre wildfire in Arizona"---Right-Wing group blames sparks kicked up by Mexican Hat Dance!

*** World's richest people grew richer during 2009 recession"---well, can ya believe that!!

***" "4th-century images of Apostles Peter and Paul found in tomb"--- archaeologists puzzled at missing Mary image.

…

"Everybody Says 'I Owe You' "

2010-06-23T10:58:00.000-07:00

*** Now I find out---my shrink said I could have claimed my wife as a co-dependent on my taxes!!

*** Reportedly General McChrystal already has his farewell speech written, concluding with "Old soldiers never die, they just go on to write books, make speeches and become analysts on TV news".

*** But, this guy---he's expected to run the war in Afghanistan but he seems to lack even the modicum of "judgment" required not to shoot from the hip to a reporter from Rolling Stone??

*** These "reality shows", with their pitting people in competition in any and all areas of endeavor is outa hand!
I mean "Suicide Superman"??---features five suicide hotline operators timed to see which one can most quickly talk a person threatening self-destruction safely out of it!!"

*** That Betty White, huh?? Where's this kid been??

*** And the Vatican has placed the film ""The Blues Brothers" on its approved viewing list.

Said one Vatican spokesman, "The Pontiff feels that lessons in breaking traffic laws, and initiating a massive, catastrophic vehicular free-for-all in a shopping mall is exactly what our Savior had in mind!"

I-Pod-DUH!

2010-06-21T10:39:00.000-07:00

*** Lady Gaga--- I liked her better 25 years ago when she was called Madonna.

*** Witnesses said they never saw a more gruesome suicide as a man literally poured his heart out to his friends.

*** "Laughter's the best medicine!" I said after telling my wife a joke.
She said, "Damn! I guess that means I have no health coverage!!"

***BP's attempts at positive spin grow ever more pathetic- now it's
Hey Folks---We hit an UNDERWATER GUSHER!!"

*** That audience has no sense of humor, I griped after a set. The emcee said, "I think ya got that backwards!"

*** You know we're in dark times when insurance companies are starting to peddle "Getting Killed or Wounded in a Shooting Spree" coverage.

*** So Miley Cyrus is goin' the 'cheap slut' route. Man, I never saw that comin'!! Lets see, Olivia Newton-John, Sheena Easton, Britney Spears---it's been done!

*** Many educated people can be really stupid---my cousin Irwin wrote a 100-page doctoral thesis offering his theory that in "Lady Chatterly's Lover", the caretaker's penis was a phallic symbol.!

Plenty O' Nuttin!!

2010-06-20T10:33:00.000-07:00

*** Talk is that real-time camera focused on the oil gusher is getting so many hits that a major network is considering picking it up for a Reality Show next season.

*** Well, my Hot to Trot niece, Sultrina has embarrassed us once again---Seems a young gent kneeled before her in a restaurant and proposed marriage---"Yes!! Yes!!" she squealed with delight, "...and Hon, while you're down there...!!"

*** Insiders report that BP CEO, Tony "I want my life back!" Hayward was so miffed at the way Congress treated him that he vowed the money he'll bribe them with next year would be cut by 60%!

*** "Comrade, add an Hour!! Get it!! Comrade add an hour...", jut don't track, I guess...

*** I still can't figure out why that soap I invented, Jewish Summer never took off!

*** "Toy Story" ---big deal. I mean every kid's toys talked, right??...I mean, didn't they?..."

World Cup, World Shmup

2010-06-15T08:38:00.000-07:00

***Bolero--music to my Eros.

I once had a romantic interlude with a young lady to that piece...
Sadly, it was over before the music became barely audible.

*** Take my publshing company---PLEASE!!

*** Man walks up to another man asks "Can ya help me out buddy, I haven't had a bite in three days. Man answers, "Yeah I used to be corporate management also!!"

*** I think men shop like the way they screw--- "Get in--Get what you want---and get out as fast as possible!"

*** I had a very dumb wingnut uncle--- He was arrested for making threats on JFK's life in 1964.

*** Update: Still reigning

World Champion Stupidest Commercial Ever'

(Drum Roll):

'The cat litter that smells so nice that even your cat won't be able to find it!!' --
(The parent company's main money must be invested in paper towel!)

*** A Vatican newspaper reports in it's entertainment section that Justin Bieber's all the rage with his Pontiff and the School of Cardinals!

*** You might say BP had been cutting corners on its construction costs---a blow up from the underwater camera revealed the words Made in Upper Volta on the demolished regulator.

That company's getting desperate---they put a message on the bottom of the camera screen "Amounts of Oil Lost Will Seem Much Greater Than it Actually Is---Scientific studies reveal that the camera puts an extra 50,000 barrels on a Leakage"

Junk Shot

2010-06-12T13:09:00.000-07:00

*** Tyler Perry is currently producing a tender movie about his childhood, "I Remember Yo Mama".

*** BP, trying to make lemonade from a lemon, has announced that it will soon begin producing the popular dietary supplement Fish Oil.

*** I knew I was destind to have mental problems---I was born by C-Section 8!!

*** BP has ordered dozens of Kevin Costner's oil-water separating devices. If successful , Costner said "I expect nor want any honors or compensation.
Think of it as my apology to the public for Waterworld!

Oil VAY!!

2010-06-06T11:51:00.000-07:00

*** For Marcel Marceau many a truth was told in gesture.

*** Pat Boone, in support of Arizona's immigration policies has just recorded
"You Better Go Home Speedy Gonzalez!"

*** And then there was the epileptic detective who was good at search and seizure!

*** "Fixin' a hole in the ocean..."---The Beatles (1968) --In your face Nostradamus!!

Come Blow Your Kazoo

2010-06-03T15:38:00.001-07:00

*** My uncle still has a mental disorder from serving in the Tank Corp in WWII--He has Turret's Syndrome.

*** New website for hypocrites---Two-Facebook.com

*** From the Are You Kidding Me?? Dept.:

"In a wrongful-death lawsuit filed against French production company MS2 S.A., Anne Carradine states that her husband, actor David Carradine, would not have died if the company had provided him with 'all the best amenities'and 'sufficient assistance' while in Bangkok."

Yeah, that's right!!Case Closed!---had there been an assistant there he would have told Carradine, "Yunno David, maybe it's not the greatest idea to masturbate while attempting to strangle yourself!!"
I mean, your customary movie company assistance!

*** Great doctor I have--- I asked him what I could do for the pain in my foot. He said "Limp!"

*** President Obama said he was "furious" with BP---so furious he could hardly maintain his professorial, measured speaking cadence---then he excused himself as he went off to honor Justin Bieber.

*** A man was arrested for plotting to mail the bodies of Bea Arthur, Estelle Getty and now Rue McLanahan to the Gold Exchange.

*** Wonderful travel agency someone recommende to me-- They said "You'll see all the countries in the world from A to Z at one low price!"
Turned out to be three days and two nights in the Azores!!

News and Ooze

2010-06-02T08:54:00.000-07:00

"Criticized for saying he "regrets" misstatements he made about his military service during the Vietnam War, Connecticut Senate candidate Richard Blumenthal is now apologizing"---Hey, his" misstatements" are understandable---you forget your keys, your wallet, your anniversary, that you DIDN'T spend a hellish tour of duty in the steamy jungles of Vietnam,...

"U.N. calls for probe of Israeli flotilla raid Global"---I mean, I never thought I'd see the day when Jews would attack caterers!!

"Al Gore and Tipper Separate after 40 Years"---Though both say no marital infidelity involved, insiders say Tipper has complained that Al stopped warming her globes years ago!

"Al-Qaida says its No. 3 official has been killed"--- I guess that's a sign of progress---must mean we finished off all those 73 #2 men!

"BP shares plunge after failure to contain oil spill"--- the CEO's should be plunging imminently!

"High Court: Suspects must tell police they want to be silent"---which is sometimes hard when the cops are piled on top of you cutting off your air, or you're being slammed, handcuffed onto a car trunk.

"About 2,300 people running for Congress, the most in decades"---convinced that the job needs them and they need the job!

"Caffeine addicts may get no real perk from morning coffee"---nor any kick from champagne either!!

"Double-murderer gets five life sentences"--- eligible for parole after second life sentence.

June, Spoon, Moon, Bassoon

2010-05-31T07:58:00.000-07:00

*** I bought a cell phone from a Native-American store---it has smoke-puff waiting.

*** An all-dog musical tribute to the the Beatles is in the works-- working title, "Yelp!!"

*** There's a SAFE SEX manual geared toward chess players called "Check and Mate".

*** The bread in our local grocery could be fresher---when people in our town break bread, they have to BREAK bread!!

*** I love the old standard, "She Married the Boy Living Under her El train stop, But People Said She Married Below Her Station"

Salad Days and Hot Fudge Sundae Nights

2010-05-30T12:48:00.000-07:00

*** After a successful procedure in Prague to implant a human embryo in a man, the doctor proudly exclaimed "The Czech is in the male!"

*** I think I need a lawyer--- It may be a bad sign when your wife makes you sign a quit claim deed to the bed!

*** I told my wife that someone said my book was a phenomenon"---she said, So what? So is leprosy?"

*** Obama to BP "Can we check your oil?"

*** The bread in our local grocery could be fresher---when people in our town break bread, they have to break bread!!

*** I have no trouble understanding the recent incidents of Staten Island ferries crashing into their docks on the Manhattan side---I mean, have you ever been to Staten Island??

It's Gotta be TUESDAY Somewhere!!

2010-05-24T07:59:00.000-07:00

*** Smart ass club owner in town!!--he advertised my gig there as a Two Laugh Maximum!

*** I just read the memoirs of a hospital attendant, Long Day's Gurney into Night.

*** Cut to the quick!! I asked my wife what one song she thought would
sum up our lovemaking. She said without pause, "One Moment in Time"!

*** Concerned, I asked my shrink if making me "normal" would impair my sense of humor. He said "Ah!! That's the objective!!"

*** Hunter's theme song, "Many a Deer Has to Fall"

*** Looks like my book's a runaway best seller---every time the publisher approaches a retailer, he runs away!!

ALL THIS, AND NOTHING TOO

2010-05-21T05:48:00.000-07:00

*** I'm asking all my loyal readers to go to derektaylorshayne.blogspot.com to see his farewell,
and what promises to be his funniest videomatic production, "All This and Nothing Too!"
A word to Mr. Shayne---don't be surprised if you register 5-6 more hits today than usual when you air one of your comic gems!

Sombreros Off to Arizona!!

2010-05-16T14:37:00.000-07:00

*** My computer makes me send more error reports than a statistician for the 1962 Mets.

*** Polyester--A Jewish parrot.

*** Critics mostly consider writer Robert Ludlum Bourne Again!

*** In despair of being able to stop the geyser in the Gulf, the car companies are working feverishly on an engine that runs on a mixture of oil and salt water.

*** Apparently a lot of critics thought Iron Man 2 smelt.

*** A man who mistakenly asked for a "LGBT" sandwich in San Francisco is said to be in therapy to help him deal with his traumatic experience.

*** Joe Lieberman-- Mr. Magoo without the vision.

Besieged Battered and Bewildered

2010-05-13T06:53:00.000-07:00

*** Our small town restaurant just ain't deluxe---along with your table settings they give you a fly swatter!

*** I wouldn't say the Vatican's having a PR problem, but one young boy asked for an "audience" with the Pope. It seems he was afraid to be in a room alone with him. .

***A good marriage---Nobody wears the pants.

*** My computer is chronically slow---on mine the mouse is the device which moves the arrow and hourglass around!

My computer's performance is like my attempts to find work---every application fails!

I mean, I have F5 imprinted into my forefinger tip, already!!

*** In Britain, a woman went through four days of labor before giving birth to a boy.
The doctor said, "I never saw anything like it in all his born days!"

*** My wife burned all her old magazines---I called it the Bonfire of the Vanity Fairs!

*** Married men have it made in Hawaii---the word for both a wife and a woman is wahini!
Like, husband to wife, "What I do?! Whatdya mean I cheated?? I just slept with my wahini!!
Or, That was no wahini you saw me with last night---that was my wahini!!

Nagging Hopes

2010-05-11T06:48:00.000-07:00

*** I wouldn't say that BP is getting desperate over how to stop that underwater gusher, but reports are they're developing, in a top-secret lab, the largest wad of chewing gum the world has ever seen.

*** I love that new country tune "I Just Broke Up with My Sixth Soulmate".

*** Reportedly a favorite song among cannibals is "Everybody's Somebody's Fuel"

*** Well, I had my unemployment pay cut off. Only one thing to do now: get outta bed tomorrow morning, shave, shower, dress and go to the computer and apply for Social Security.

*** I'm happy to say that my book sales are brisk, but I think by tomorrow I run out of family members.

Since nobody asked...

I'm so old I remember when Robert DeNiro cared about acting. Ditto, Sam Waterson.
I remember when Tim Burton made a really good movie.
Ditto, M. Night Shyamalan.
It seems that Ben Stiller is being taken seriously as a dramatic actor; that's good , I never took him seriously as a comedian.

*** Congress is formulating tough, no-nonsense, unsparing regulations and restrictions on Wall Street to prevent another collapse like 2008's.
From now on, The CEO's must politely ask the SEC "May I?", before going ahead with another swindle.

Krishna Morty's "Desiderata"

2010-05-10T08:19:00.000-07:00

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in stuffing cotton in your ears.

As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons-- prices and rates of interest may vary.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others. Why even the dull and the ignorant, can be good for a laugh or two.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit and are usually politicians or car salesmen.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Dammit!! But, enjoy your achievements as well as your plans---at least while you can before they go belly-up!.
Keep interested in your own career (if you can remember it) however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. But then again, so is a nifty inheritance or a fairly cushy fixed income.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. You may have heard something about this after you watched American Idol .
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. And it's so nice to celebrate these heroes after they've been executed or assassinated. Often means a Three-Day Weekend!

Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass. Well, judging by the divorce rate I'm thinking not so much, but as long as the grass is perennial...ahem!!
Take kindly to the counsel of the years, overlook the nose and ear hairs, and the often noxious odors that emanate from them.
Gracefully the things of youth. Stop playing Grand Theft Auto and going to Superhero movies!!

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings---there's lots of real stuff out there to make you soil your draws!
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness ---and watching CNN.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself---but not too often, for that may be the way of blindness!

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars, but still, sadly, you're probably less than Wayne Newton.

You have a right to be here, assuming you have your green card or a signed permit from the government.

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. And the Good News is...?
Speaking of unfolding, my great friend, the Yoga master Swami Aniwunnoagudkiraprakta,, is having trouble unfolding after fitting his entire body into a shoe box.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul, and I know that's not even easy for me to say!
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world (see "perennial grass")
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy. Remember, when you laugh, the world laughs with you, but when you cry, the world laughs at you!

Thanks Mom...

2010-05-09T15:46:00.000-07:00

Thanks Mom for teaching me to drive at such a young age---I know, you needed a getaway car driver, but still...

Thanks mom, for teaching me that whatever foul deeds and moral transgressions I may commit in life, there is nothing more unpardonable than spilling a glass at the dinner table, usually met with the Old Testament response of a resounding slap across the face! But ma, did you have to do it again when I broke the glass to end my wedding ceremony?

Thanks mom, for those little endearments: "My little klutz!""You're such an adorable shlomozzle!!" and,"Why did they have to go execute those nice Rosenbergs? Why couldn't it have been you??"

Thanks mom, for making it clear to me that being the only son in a Jewish family I would have to become not only a doctor but also a lawyer, "That way you'll be able to defend yourself in malpractice suits, shmendrick!!"

Thanks for pointing out that I was overweight, after you'd been signing monthly Bills of Lading for Oreo cookies

Thanks for telling me when I was young that I had "such cute little girls' curls" and my legs were so nice,"You shoulda been born a girl!"- It took two years for the shrink to convince me that my desire for the opposite sex didn't mean I was a lesbian!

No, But I kid--only about 98% of what I wrote was true!

Happy Mother's day to Claire Harris, 98, born in 1912, exactly two weeks before the Titanic sank---so far no cause/effect relationship has been established.

All The News To Give You Fits!

2010-05-08T08:40:00.000-07:00

"Britain Has 'Hung Parliament' For First Time in Decades"---and don't think the ladies in the balcony haven't taken notice!

"Lettuce Recalled after E.Coli Outbreak in 3 States" --well, it might help if we knew the disease's first name!

"Crews Maneuver Huge Box Over Oil Spill Well"--- what's that crazy David Blaine up to now??

"'Zombie Satellite' Wins First Round Against the Humans" "---wait a minute---I think I saw that movie---Richard Carlson, right?!

"2 Ousted From Republican National Committee"---they were revealed to be practicing heterosexuals.

"Crocodile Kills NJ Woman Snorkeling in Indian Ocean"---man,talk about losing your bearings!!

THE CROWD ROARS...!!!

2010-05-06T06:31:00.000-07:00

Yessir, the word on The Teachers Lounge, is already out...

"This book is so bad the ghost writer probably killed himself!"--People Magzine

"... and then comes that moment when all literary value is lost with the dispiriting realization that the book's not thick enough for use as an effective doorstop."--The New Yorker

"At 48 pages, the book's covers are still too far
apart!"--George Bernard Shaw

"Harris writes with the wit, flair and j'nai se qua of a latter day Swift, Johnson and Soupy Sales"--Commentary

"Harris plumbs to the very depths of social reality---and stays there!"-The Nation

"I laughed so hard I wet the guy sitting in front of me's seat!!"--Ed MacMahon

"This may be the second worst toxic substance oozing out of the earth in the past two weeks!"--GreenPeace News

"We propose that the Nuremburg Tribunal be re-empaneled"--Ladies Home Journal

"Just the book for someone with time on his hands."--Bernie Madoff.

Read the book everyone's talking about---and then when you finish that Nicholas Sparks crap, get THE TEACHERS LOUNGE, available at Amazon and other friendly, neighborhood Internet Flea Markets!!

Taking Notice

2010-05-04T07:34:00.000-07:00

*** I read about a guy in France who found a land mine from WW II
on his property. He called the police and told them to step on it!

*** This Arizona state government is serious---they just banned Zorro and Cisco Kid
reruns.

*** I read about a native-American tribe that used cannabis in their rituals: The Comunches!

*** Thanks a lot! A prospective manager said my idea of comedy is a joke!

*** So they caught the would-be Times Square bomber! I mean, if you're so bad you can't even bomb on Broadway---that's pitiful!
Early reports say that he gave himself away on a plane bound for Dubai when, attempting pleasant small talk with another passenger, he said, " I read something about the Tony Awards having to be cancelled this year!"

*** The "Help" button on computers--- quickly takes you from a computer problem you don't understand to instructions to fix it you don't understand.

*** British Petroleum says it plans to build an enormous funnel to cover the leak and pipe the oil to tankers waiting at the surface, causing the nation to take a sigh of relief. A BP spokesman said that the massive undertaking should happen no later than 2016.
Worse than that is the news that a Mr.Lee Hazelwood is on the short list for captains.

Branching Out Ahead of the Rot

2010-05-01T06:46:00.000-07:00

Well, here it is Saturday morning in the Land of the Fee and the Grave of the Homeless -- lets face it folks -- what we got here is a high-tech Banana Republic

Like many Americans I switch on the old cathode box and peruse the menu of catastrophes -- calamities -- clusterfucks and --chaos

Ah, which one should I go to first?
My god that oil spill

Sounds like they just oughtta rename the body of water the Gulf Oil of Mexico.

They say it may get so bad that people will be able to pull their cars up to any parcel of the gulf shore and fill up their tanks

I must laugh to keep from crying -- Mark Twain -- Very insightful chap --
Or, oh yes the Goldman Sachs grilling charade -- The Common Wisdom is that most of these exemplars of the dark side will walk--But Maybe, just maybe Obama is starting to reach political puberty and acquiring a pair-- Time Magazine will tell
--maybe.

Oh, but wait a sec -- what about poor Sandy Bullock with that cheatin' horn dog Jesse James--Uh Miss Congeniality!! (and in this case she really seemed to have earned the title)--HELLO!!-- Didn't the guy's name give ya a clue??
Would you date a guy named Jack the Ripper??

And new adopted baby on top of it Oy!!

Oh , and I almost forgot!! -- Wasn't there some kinda big deal over in Haiti a few months back... wonder what's happenin' there? --Oh well
and what about what's doin' over there in the Middle East?? that's what my mother would always describe using Yiddish, A "Mansah (that's the best I can do phonetically folks)without an end!!" While no child prodigy at ten, I deduced enough from Mom's face, tone of voice and dismissive wave of a hand that a Mansah was not a good thing!!

You know, the older I get the more I realize I shoulda listened to my parents more -- yeah much of it was bilge--but oh those timeless nuggets of truth--I fear we've tossed those away like golden nuggets with the dirty pan water I'll digress from the original non sequitur it reminds me of Paul McCartney's beautiful Let it Be, and how its provenance dated to the time when he was disconsolate over the break up the Beatles -- He said he dreamed of his late mother, Mary -- Her favorite soothing expression when things went bad for her family and friends, was "Let it be" -- I'm experimenting with the true wisdom of these words in these "times of trouble"

Meanwhile -- back to Mickey Rooney's latest auto-biog
A View from the Abridged...

Footnotes from The Underground

2010-04-29T07:43:00.000-07:00

*** With the disaster in the Gulf of Mexico shaping up to be the worst oil spill in recorded history, do you have the feeling that Obama's top advisor, Rahm Emanuel, is suggesting that he ease off on that push for off-shore drilling for a while?

*** I confessed to my wife that in a particular situation, I had been "cutting off my nose to spite my face"---she said, "You'd look better if it were the other way around!

*** "Keep your friends close--but keep your enemies closer"---the guy who said this was undoubtedly married.

*** I think the people who are being critical of Arizona lack a sense of Yuma!

*** I read that when Mussorgsky finished his opera he didn't think it was Gudonov.

*** In the wake of the Vatican scandals, a song has hit the Italian air waves that has Pope Benedict up in arms: Thank Heaven for Little Boys!"

Tempest in a Teapot Dome.

2010-04-28T09:28:00.000-07:00

*** Big Senate hearings goin' on--- criminals being grilled by their accomplices. ***

*** One consultant to the beleaguered Goldman Sachs CEOs rejected the latter's suggestions that they disarm the panel by appearing
in, not Brooks Brothers suits, but tattered rags---the consultant said ruefully, "You're gonna leave like that either way!"

*** In a shocking development, Goldman turned state's witness and accused Sachs of being the mastermind of the scam. "I beg you, your honor!!" he said. "I mean, lets just start with his name!!"

*** I mean , the CEOs have brass ones---during an intermission in the hearing they were trying to sell Sen. Carl Levin a "No Payments 'til 2011" mortgage.

*** I wouldn't say these guys were being grilled but they looked like sub-prime ribs!

*** But you could tell these senators were in deadly earnest---they probably all lost a bundle playin' ball with these slime balls!

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Chinese restaurant

2010-04-27T06:34:00.000-07:00

Pam and I went to eat at a Buffet-style Chinese restaurant a couple of weeks back.

We enjoyed our entree of tasty oriental delicacies and then came the time for some dessert.

I wandered around a bit and came upon what looked to be my favorite, pistachio ice cream. I mean where else can you get that flavor these days?

I scooped a hearty helping into my dish and returned to my table to enjoy it.

What I didn't know is that I got this "ice cream" at what I didn't realize was--so focused was I on the treat-- the Sushi Bar.

And what I thought to be pistachio ice cream was actually an Oriental dressing called Wasabi.

If you've never tasted it... but...okay--- to call it hot would be like calling Eva Mendes "plain".

So I drop a spoonful of the delicious dessert in my mouth and ...okay, think of Bob Hope downing that flammable drink at the saloon bar in Son of Palefeace; think of Oliver Hardy after he sprayed Flit down his throat, thinking it was mouthwash; think of the sight gag in Mel Brooks' Silent Movie where all the diners inside a Mexican restaurant are breathing smoke.

Now take those three and put them together and that will give you just an approximation of the discomfort I was in.

My eyes began to tear; Pam asked what was wrong. I could barely breathe, let alone
answer. It felt like someone had poured kerosene into my alimentary canal and then tossed match in my mouth for good measure!
Red and gasping for air, I stumbled over to their fish tank and scooped about two gallons of water down my throat and probably a few guppies. Still, afire, I looked for a fire extinguisher with which to dowse the flames in my innards .

Finally, I went to the men's room and drank three gallons of cold water,

Some 15 minutes later I managed my way back to my table, my eyes still watering.

Buy then of course, Pam had shared my little gaffe with the waiters and waitresses.

The last time I saw so many Chinese laughing at a "round eyes" was when Wal-Mart's CEO asked if the company could open up a chain in their country.

The upshot of the story is costly therapy now helping with my abnormal fear of even taking a teeny taste pistachio ice cream.

A Look at What's Doin'!

2010-04-26T10:18:00.000-07:00

---"Muslim Group Warns 'South Park' Writers"--- Irate over depiction of Mohammed in a bear suit. However, praise Cartman's "Untiring Jew-hatred!"

---"New tax on large banks picks up support in Congress"---"This way we get the money directly from them, instead of waiting for some lobbyist with a wad of bills!", raves one senator.

---"Computer 'brain games' don't make you smarter, study says"-- Sarah Palin note to self: "Cancel download of "Boggle"!

---"Third of U.S. teens with cell phones text 100 times a day"-- hey at least they're doing some writing!!

---"Legislature: Both sides claim victory in Florida"---deja vu all over again!

---"SEC Staffers Watched Porn as Economy Crashed"---well we knew they were a bunch of jerk-offs!

---"Chrysler reports $197 million in 1Q loss", cash balance grows ---oh, I see, it...WHAT??!!

---"Photos Queen Elizabeth's baby pictures unveiled as monarch turns 84"---so cute to see her sitting on her training Throne!

Cocoa for Koo Koo Puffs

2010-04-25T06:55:00.000-07:00

*** Well, looks like Rich Little's career is over---he was told that his Statute of Imitations ran out!!

*** More signs of the Great American Dumbdown---it was reported that
book clubs have taken to meeting once a month to discuss the next chapter!

*** Whenever a Jew gets a nose job it's often a case of cutting off your nose to spite your race

*** I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous!

*** I've always like that song from Jesus Christ Supertar, "I Don't Know How to Love Him". expressing so poignantly the conflicting emotions of a young woman who happens to have the hots for GOD!!

*** Okay, now my computer's becoming a Drama Queen---an attempt to put a measly item in my Favorites file was met with the ominously terse message
CATASTROPHIC FAILURE--I mean I swear I heard the strains of Max Steiner's violins
ascending toward a thundering climax.

Flotsam and the Jetsons

2010-04-24T06:14:00.000-07:00

*** I guess when you finally get out of debt you're "dun done"!

*** My wife, though an attractive woman, has a self-image problem---I said to her,
"You feel like you really look like Phylis Diller, don't ya?"
She answered, "I only wish I was as thin as she is!"
I give up!!

*** Sarah Palin, in order to add a needed dash of "sophistication" to her unofficial bid for president, attended a Sotheby auction in London where she proudly showed off mime Marcel Marceau's Invisible Box which she had just paid 5 million dollars for.

*** Arizona's really cracking down on illegal immigrants.
I read they even took half the Cardinals baseball team in for questioning!

*** Tiger Woods, it was revealed, at the height of his tomcatting ways, it was revealed, used to brag of his endurance, but would say jokingly "That's the difference between golf and sex---in golf you wanna keep the number of your strokes down!!

The Moon and Six Packs

2010-04-23T06:08:00.000-07:00

*** People tell me I'm aloof,--- anyway, at least that's what I thinkthey're saying??!

*** I'm currently doing a one man show in town--we're hoping for higher attendance!!

*** It's tough playing to the X and Y generation---they text message me on stage, "LOL".

*** Man calls the doctor, telling him his wife took an overdose of aspirins. The Doctor says, "Quick!! Give her a headache!!"

*** Because I was unemployed the Socialist Workers Party wouldn't let me
join!

*** Okay,take Keanu Reeves---please!!. I had the misfortune to see him in Sweet November, a Romantic Tragedy!!--a remake of a film that shouldn't have been made in the first place!
If this guy is not the worst actor ever to be on screen, than I'm Justin Bieber!

I mean, talk about wooden---I understand he's examined by a Termite Inspector once a year!

When he delivers his lines the words come out lying in state!

Nothing he says is believable. I wouldn't believe him if he told me water was wet!!
He has to be a member of that august acting family, the Reeves---his forebears, George and Steve .

The boom mic kept appearing in the shot---I now realize that it was because Reeves was so bad the mic guy was trying to give him a concussion!

Son of Irving

2010-04-22T07:55:00.000-07:00

Today's "If You Get This One You're in the 55 to 65 age group":

The Russian spy while living in America, didn't understand the idea of Daylight Savings---his fellow traveler told him "Comrade! Add an hour!!

*** One horse to the other in the paddock---" That Lucky Break over there pisses like Tom Hanks!!"

*** Losing billions of dollars a day because of the Icelandic volcano, the airlines announced they are confident they can restart operations right away after careful testing: of the ten planes that flew through the ash clouds, seven returned and landed safely!

*** Then there was the workaholic artist who painted himself into a coroner.

*** Salvador Dali was strolling down the street one day, when suddenly he witnessed a bank robbery. The police approached him and said, "Mr. Dali!. Can you describe the burglars??!!"
Dali said, "I can do better than that!! I'll go home and paint you a picture and get it to you later today!!"
Later that afternoon Dali went to the police station and proudly displayed his painting to them: a pair of glasses, a ladder, a fire hydrant and a lopsided grand piano.

*** Crowds can be tough--- I was doing my Glenn Close imitation from Fatal Attraction: "I Will Not be ignored!!" , when one guy loudly yelled "You wanna bet??!!"

New News...Nu??

2010-04-20T09:11:00.000-07:00

"Obama predicts Americans will reach Mars within his lifetime"--well, going by the scores of death threats he gets every day, we better get movin'!!

"Pakistan failed to protect Bhutto or probe her death": Remember the good ol' days when governments at least had the decency to slap together some phony-baloney report?

"Insurers trying to shift costs to skirt health care reforms"---Remember when you were embarrassed by being in that ass-exposing hospital gown? You'll be remembering that as the good old days!!

"Immigration agents raid Arizona van"---take 19 gun-totin' rednecks into custody.

Study suggests brain can manage only 2 tasks at once---Term must now be changed to "Dual-tasker".---in a cost-saving measure all multi-taskers to get pink slip.

… "UF med:Are school lunches a national security threat?"---IMO, they have been since I was in grade school

"Goldman earns $3.3B in 1Q as fraud case looms (AP)"--- kinda like a rapist
asking the cops to wait at door till he finishes up.

"Divorce dilemma: Texas says gays can't get divorce (AP)" ---You cow-punchers just can't make up your mind! Can ya??

"Report: Fugitive director Polanski begs Obama for mercy"--- Obama answers "Okay, maybe Rosemary's Baby didn't suck that much!!"…

Monday Blue Mondays

2010-04-19T07:54:00.000-07:00

* But frivolously,

The History of Capitalism-- over 400 years of the inexorable degrading, degenerative and destructive shift from creditor to debtor---but the comet has finally hit to take down these behemoth dinosaurs---will we crushed too when they fall?

But seriously... *** "News comes out of Washington"..."--and that's the trouble.

*** I just finished reading Tropic of Cancer---am now reading the introduction for a clue what it's about. I'll tell you this, Henry Miller was either a genius or crazy---or am I being redundant?

*** That damn Capital One---it ain't enough that we still owe those sock cuckers, but if I see a boorish barbarian asking me one more time "What's in your wallet?"...thanks to you, not much!!

*** The Country Music Awards were on last night---it's always interesting to see what new talent's come along since the last award show---three weeks ago!!

*** Meanwhile , at a Stand-Up Comic Convention in Altoona, there was an intense panel discussion on when exactly enough time will have passed before you can do 'Polish president in Plane Crash' jokes. It was also reported that the question of Haiti Earthquake material was still under a staute of limitation, but members will be kept updated. Meanwhile, Gilbert Gottfried who reportedly already has done extended bits on both incidents is being tracked down for questioning.

*** Thanks sweetie--my wife said I was the "wind beneath her skirt!"

*** Okay, politics aside, seriously, Republican congressional leader, Mitch McConnell---is that guy the very essence of a frightened looking man?---makes Don Knotts look like Perry Como.

*** New book about to hit the racks---memoir of the son of a highly promiscuous and uninhibited actress. Look for I Was Born Under a Wandering Star!"

Kicking the Clods Away!

2010-04-18T09:55:00.000-07:00

***I heard an economist say our infrastructure's in the infra-red.
.
*** A volcano in Iceland,, huh? That might be how a satisfied Viagara user might describe his experience.

I understand they flew some planes through the volcanic ash, and although some smoke got into the plane, it was not enough to seriously harm the passengers, plus, it made the airline food taste better!
One passenger stranded at Polish airport for close to a week said cheerily, "Hey! I was schedule to come right back her in 5 days anyway!!

*** I'm all for women rising above the glass ceiling---for one thing, the view will be great!!

I'm waiting that new touted HBO drama series concerning a young priest who is conflicted between pedaphilic impulses and his equally strong desire to be a true Christian---Yes, On May 3rd, 9 pm watch for !"Go Way Kid, You Bother Me

*** My Uncle Izzy like to brag tht he's a New York Times Bestseller..Yeah, right--he set a sales record when he hawked the paper in the streets!

*** Am I crazy or did I hear Sarah Palin say that "When the Martians found out that Obama was coming, they complained, 'We'll there goes the neighborhood!!'" ?

Top Eleven Reasons I Hate Cell Phones!!

2010-04-15T05:49:00.000-07:00

--- They're always breaking up---I call my phone Ed MacMahon!

--- The damn buttons are too small---the last one I bought came with a free magnifying glass.

--- Who needs a damn camera??---I tried to make a call one time and wound up taking 4 pictures of my shoes!!

--- Teenagers love 'em!! Case Closed!!

--- The friggin' stupid ringtones some people set!! I was at a funeral when a guy's cell started playing "Everything's Coming Up Roses"!!

--- It take 5 years of intense study at M.I.T. to fully understand all the damn thing's operations!!

--- They're expensive---I kept one in my pocket and I swear it was stealing my change!!

--- The batteries is always running low just when you're in the middle of a vital conversation.

--- They're fragile---they always fracture when you hurl them at a wall.

--- The damn thing's got a lotta gall asking me for my password to my own damn
mailbox!!

--- Ya can't angily hang up on someone---it just ain't the same making sure you push the right button firmly!!

Take That!!

2010-04-14T13:29:00.000-07:00

*** Well, there goes my job teaching in the prison---I knew I shouldn't have given that student outdoor suspension!

*** Okay, that Justin Bieber sings pretty well, but it's a bit disconcerting to see a kid who looks like he doesn't have pubes yet goin' on about 'gettin' down with his hot mama!'

*** So, Erika Badhu made a video in Dallas' Dealey Plaza in which she strips off her clothes while singing and dancing and then ending it with her throwing her head back in the exact spot JFK received his head wound. And somewhere Joe Franklin weeps...
Nah, Miss Badhu was said to be highly miffed that there was not a second cameraman on the Grassy Knoll.

*** I caught late night George Lopez---I knew the Mexicans would get back at us for taking their land!!

*** FROM THE DUMBING OF AMERICA FILE: If I'm lyin' I'm dyin'!--I just got the IRS form to request an extension of time to file. The form itself is about three inches long and asks for about six pieces of rudimentary information---the instructions coming with it are close to FOUR PAGES long!!

Praise the Lord and Pass the Dutchy to the Left

2010-04-12T07:24:00.000-07:00

*** I think James Taylor was very canny in a business sense not to specify whether North or South in his song Carolina in My Mind ---'yeah, I'll take the redneck dollars too!'

*** I hate it when people start haranguing me with "May I be so bold as to ask...?" They never give ya a chance to give permission!!They start off so polite and then they turn damn rude!!

*** I read about the dumb Mafia soldier in court---his lawyer said he had to get Writ of Habeas Corpus, so he went to the Greek neighborhood lookin' to whack the guy.

*** My poor career criminal Uncle Max---just a bad gene I guess---he always wanted top go to Penn State but he wound up in the State Pen.

*** What does not destroy me usually leaves me a trembling basket case.

*** You should see Open School Night in these here parts---the school parking lot looks like a Used Pickup Truck lot--- I never saw so many Confederate flags and Patriot for Palin stickers!!

*** Well, my nephew Egbert is in the psych ward again---seems he's been grave robbing in pet cemeteries to get squeeze toys!

*** Trivi Fact: Actress June Havoc held the world record for time spent Marathon Dancing during the Depression--3 and 1/2 months. While she was happy to win, she did not appreciate one reporter, who interviewed her after it was over, headlining his piece Reeking Havoc!

*** Speaking of Depressions, how long before one of the networks gives us Marathon Dancing with the Stars?

Lettin' the Cowchips fall where they may.

2010-04-11T08:48:00.000-07:00

*** Well, I'm doctor-shopping again. . I told my last one I was having a ringing in my ears---he gave me call-waiting.

*** There's a new magazine for bored housewives Better Homes and
Gardeners.

*** Then there was the jazz singer who was having voice problems. The doctor gave him a scatscan.

*** You have to say this for that old circus act, The Flying Wallendas---they always got their act done under the wire!

*** I think the Republicans deserve a solid round of applause for their compassionate response to the recent severe flooding in New England---how they got so many thousand lead-lined life-jackets to the victims so quickly is a marvel!

*** These days I am just thankful to have three square meals a day---but I am gettin' damn sick of frozen waffles and Sicilian pizza!

*** Times are hard---I saw a restaurant critic holding a sign, "Will Eat Food for Work"!

*** Have you noticed that when you're on a cell phone talking to someone else on a cell phone, you constantly start talking at the same time, pause, and then do it again?

What a Difference a Daze Makes

2010-04-10T05:09:00.001-07:00

*** Well, I'm doctor-shopping again. . I told my last one I was having a ringing in my ears---he gave me call-waiting.

*** There's a new magazine for bored housewives Better Homes and
Gardeners.

*** Then there was the jazz singer who was having voice problems. The doctor gave him a scatscan.

*** You have to say this for that old circus act, The Flying Wallendas---they always got their act done under the wire!

*** I think the Republicans deserve a solid round of applause for their compassionate response to the recent severe flooding in New England---how they got so many thouand lead-lined life-jackets to the victims so quickly is a marvel!

*** These days I am just thankful to have three square meals a day---but I am gettin' damn sick of frozen waffles and Sicilian pizza!

Cleaning House

2010-04-09T11:58:00.000-07:00

*** Does that song from Cabaret,"Tomorrow Belongs to Me" get requested much at Bar Mitzvahs?

*** I minored in that school of psychiatry that tended to blame the father for all neuroses suffered by his children; Pop Psychology.

*** If you're caught shoplifting at the convenience store, are you facing trial in a Kangaroo Court.

*** When I was a kid the bullies at the beach used to kick 90-pound weaklings in my face.

*** That fat shrink infuriated me when he did a cannonball into the pool, getting me soaked--- The wise ass then said I was showing "displaced anger"!

*** My Uncle Max is a bitter old bachelor---At a family dinner I commented on the food "Ah!! Manna from Heaven!". Maxie said,"Yeah, and women are from
hell!!".

*** The newly-formed "White Anti-Defamation League" has issued a condemnation of, among others, the TV characters Gracie Allen, Gomer Pyle, Edith Bunker, Joey Tribiani and Woody from Cheers as demeaning to Caucasians by suggesting they are dumber than a box of rocks.

*** When the producer watching the dailies saw the microphone continually encroaching into the top of the screen, he really lowered the boom on that
crew member.

I Zing the Body Electric :Top 5 Things I Hate About Computers

2010-03-23T07:52:00.000-07:00

%@#&!! They're arrogant fuckers who have a mind of their own and pretty much decide they're gonna do whatever they wanna, whenever they wanna.
You know---you've finally navigated a website to get where you wanna go---and---zap, the computer decides you've been there long enough, or it is bored by the site, and decides to take you to a website devoted to the History of European Doorknobs 1867-1899!!

%@#&!! They're disobedient---
You're tryin' to "X" out an unwanted screen and the computer tells you "Suck on it!! This screen ain't goin' nowhere!!"
Or for no apparent reason the screen freezes and its eyes glaze over!!
Your repeated clicks on ANYTHING falls on deaf hard drive.
And you're screamin' "Don't make me hit ctrl+alt+del!" DON'T MAKE ME DO IT!!!"
And when you do it---then what?? Probably click the wrong tab and make things worse!

%@#&!! The damn F5 key never works---nor the Esc key, and try pressin' the Help button and see if you get any real help you understand!!

%@#&!! They constantly are flashing you messages written in some language that clearly didn't originate on this planet!
There is a problem with your virtual truck", Oh, I see,is it blocking something where I parked it??

"Your script is running slow---would you like to switch to real time---if you do you will lose data and perhaps cause your monitor to implode"

"Would you like to report this error to Microsoft?"
Sure, why not? I've already sent 889 error reports already and have no idea where they're goin' or what the hell the error was!

%$#&!! Even more than TV, the legal, medical and political professions has computerese debased the English language.

It's the making up of new words that have no organic root in our customary language, and abducting familiar words with precise denotations, and pressing them into uses in ways that neuter them and change their meanings. All this causes unnecessary navigational confusion amongst those to whom cyberworld is largely terra incognita
For example "cut and paste" ---the first time I heard that one I was looking around for scissors and a paste jar. I could almost smell the Elmer's Glue.

Do I have my "drivers"? Are we playing a round of golf today?? Oh, you mean the disk---that round shiny thing. A Driver??

I still don't know what the hell cookies are, and why they're even called cookies!!

Windows is shutting down...

Tops in Wire Taps!!

2010-03-22T07:09:00.000-07:00

*** Debussy Fields--- a little known classical composer/golden age comic.

*** I joshingly said to my wife " Comedy is my middle name!".
She said "What's your first name? ' Nonexistent' ??!!"

*** Ya notice that the politically correct never seem to take offense when someone does a stereotyped caricature of a German as a regimented, militaristic brute?
I mean, where's their defense league?!! Second thought, maybe not a good idea...

*** Well, looks like as far as Healthcare, the Democrats won and the Republicans lost---that's what they must mean by a "zero sum" game!

*** Okay, I wouldn't say Lawrence of Arabia is a long flick, but the Overture had an intermission.

*** I think now that the prison system is becoming more and more privatized, they should start advertising:

"Liberal Attitude---we offer both private and group shower facilities."

"We try hard to get you paroled, but if we can't you get consolation prizes."

"Make Only Customized License Plates!!"

"If You're facing that Last Meal---have it here---Cordon Bleu chef on staff!"

"Our guards are constantly being dressed down for being derelict (wink) in their vigilance when contraband is being passed around---if you get our drift!"

On the Fly...

2010-03-20T10:33:00.000-07:00

*** I jokingly told my wife "Hey, they made a movie about me! Brooklyn's Finest. She said "No! You must mean Inglourious Basterd!!"

*** Confusion reigned at a NBA game last night when someone seized the PA mike and shouted "Will all black people leave the building!!"

*** Uncle Max is behind bars agaion---this time for rape
Seems he picked up a German-Jewish woman and misunderstood her cries of "Shtup!! Shtup!!"

*** I bought Gigli: The Director's Cut---the disk was blank!

*** I have no luck with betting pools---for March Madness champs I got the University of Phoenix Online.

*** Is James Cameron's plan to re-release Titanic in 2012 in 3-D for the centennial of the disaster, the best idea?

"Yes sir--- ice cold water pouring into your row-- frozen corpses floating right into your lap!! Feel like you're about to have your eye poked out by one of Kate Winslet's nipples!"

Fess'n Up About Davy Crockett

2010-03-19T08:51:00.000-07:00

The news of Fess Parker's death at age 85 came as a shock.

I thought he had died at the Alamo!

When I was seven I loved Davy Crockett.

I had the coonskin cap, the flintlock, the powder horn, the jacket with the fringe---I wanted to BE Davy Crockett---unfortunately I looked more like Oliver Hardy in
The Fighting Kentuckian.

I cheered as Davy, along with his trusty companion, Jed Clampett, beat them savage, no-good Native-Americans!

Then Davy went and got himself elected to Congress (he must have received a lot of donations from the Backwoods B'ar-Killin' Lobby).
Poor Davy must have discovered that battlin' Injuns and killing a grizzly bear when he was a toddler was comparatively easy---but Congress!!

I just remember him pretty much ridin' outta there, saying he was going
to Texas for rest and recuperation.

Next thing he knows he's embroiled in a battle for the future and everlasting glory of a rent-a-car company.

I'll never forget Davy's last moments of that Mexican Stand-off, the last man standin', outta ammo and swinging his rifle at Santa Ana's bayonet-wielding soldiers, before they made him into a pin-cushion pinata!

I was in trauma, inconsolable, in denial---my first unhappy ending---until Davy came back in some boring sequel on a keel boat, with Liz Taylor's husband, Mike Todd (okay, my memory might be a little hazy here!)

I soon put childish things aside and took up the Hula Hoop and Elvis Presley trading cards.

Everybody sing,
"Born on a mountain top in Tennessee
Greenest state in the Land of the Free(who knew they were ecology conscious way back then?)
Lived in the woods till he knew every tree,
Kilt him a b'ar when he was only three"

These last two lines reportedly got his folks in trouble with Tennessee
Family&Children Services.

Headlines and Crows Feet

2010-03-18T09:00:00.000-07:00

"State Prison Numbers Drop for First Time Since 1972"--seems that instead of returning to prison, many released prisoners found gainful employment on Wall Street.

"Hawaii Considers Law to Ignore Obama 'Birthers'"---That's not fair!!---I'm sure those doctors and nurses did a fine job!!

"Republicans Are Warming to Census ,Poll Discovers"--at last, some written material from the government they can understand!!

"Expert to Help Russians Fight Bathroom 'Stage Fright"---well, it'all very...HUH??!!

"President Obama fills out his bracket"---pretty cool!!-he gets to choose his own tax bracket??

"The president correctly picked the NCAA champ last year. Who is in his Final Four this year?"--I knew the guy had a talent for something!!

"Pakistani court charges five young Americans with terrorism"--this from the country partly behind 9/11 yet!!

"With most Iraq election votes counted, Allawi closer to Maliki"--well, they say politics make strange bedfellows.

"Attackers kill 12 in latest Nigeria fighting Riots in Uganda"---no comment here, other than Nigeria's president's actual name, hand to god, is --"Goodluck Jonathan"---so good luck, Goodluck!

"Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann photo op is priced at $10,000"---Both wearing I'm with Stupid T-Shirts.

"Vatican investigates visions of Virgin Mary in southern Bosnia 10 years ago"--Express doubt as Mary was on a melted cheese sandwich in Des Moines then.

It's a great day for the Irish---and good god---didn't they deserve one!!

2010-03-17T06:40:00.000-07:00

The New Revised Politically Incorrect Book of Irish Drinking Songs

"When Irish Eyes are Smilin', Then Chances Are Their Mouths are Full O' Beer".

"Has Anyone Here Seen Machine Gun Kelly?"

"For it was Mary, Mary---a name that goes just fine with John Smith"

"How are Things with Your Glaucoma?"

" Today How I Wish a Son of Old Aaron Could be a Son of Ol' Erin!"

"Erin Go Bragh-less, Please!"

"That's Not a Shalalee---THIS is a Shalalee!"

"Faith and Begora!! Someone Sat on My Fedora!!"

"I'll Take the High Road and You Go Into Politics".

"Forget the Blarney Stone, You Can Kiss This!"

" Little Andy Rooney"

"Sweet Rosie O' Palm"

"I'll Take You Home Again Kathleen---But for Chrissake, This Time Stay There!!"

"Faith and Begora, Someone Sat on My Fedora".

"Tis the last Rose of Summer and I Wish You'd Buy a Bar of Irish Spring"

"Since I Gave You That Ring, You've Been Wearin' the Green".

"Oh, Danny Boy, The Pipes, the Pipes are Giving Me a Goddamned Headache!"

"Screw the British!!"

"She May Be My Sweet Rosie O'Grady, But All My Friends Know Her as My Wild Irish Rose!"

Seriously, Happy St Patrick's Day to my Irish friends, may the road rise to meet you (without scarin' the bejeezus outta ya!)and may you get to Heaven an hour before the Tax Collector knows you're dead.

Brain Dandruff

2010-03-16T05:58:00.000-07:00

Is it true that American Psychiatric Associations' favorite song is Sweet Analyze?

New website for people who just want to be left alone: GetOuttaMyFacebook.com

We can tell it's almost St. Patty's day here! The grocery is trying to peddle its mouldy bread as a Holiday Special!

So they say just about everywhere you go these day you're on camera. So, I got one question: Where the hell's my residuals??

I love the recent weather pattern: If it ain't raining it's cold and if it ain't cold,it's raining.

I was watching a promo for the new HBO WW II series The Pacific. Tom Hanks gave a fascinating account of the tough negotiations between his production staff and the difficult body of water.
Hanks said he also nixed the original working title: "Oceans One"

One old horny goat here got in trouble when he forgot his wife's birthday---he was being questioned by the cops!

Analyze This and That

2010-03-12T06:03:00.000-08:00

*** That high-pitched singer Lou Christie's song "Two Face Have I"?... I say, Dude, I hope you have a second voice!!.
While I'm on the subject---ok, The Four Seasons' "Walk Like a Man" ---and sound like Alvin the Chipmunk?
Okay, enough about the contemporary music scene.

*** At my age and employment status, I no longer say Thank God it's Friday---I say Thank God it's any day!!.

*** I like watching C-Span and CSN cover the House and Senate---can't beat those in real-time crime shows!!
Yeah, it's crime alright!! Usually features one perp casing an empty house under the guise of delivering a speech!

*** Uncle Murray is not only senile, but obese---when he looks down in the shower, poor guy, he still can't remember what sex he is.

*** I locked my coat hanger in my car---luckily I have my keys!

*** South Africa's Winnie Mandela has blasted her ex, Nelson for being, in her view, a sell-out and a man who agreed to political arrangemts that have left the blacks as second-class citizens---or was she talking about Obama!
Nelson Mandela hinted to the press that his former wife was just jealous because she wanted a movie made about her life called Vindictus.

*** In a show on poor Native-Americans, ne old man remembered his younger years loading Hula Hoops onto trucks.
He said "Yup, they told me to get my circles in a wagon!

Here Comes the Sun---well it took ya long enough!!

2010-03-10T07:40:00.000-08:00

*** I'm just naturally anxious--I'm self-taut!

*** Jewish Mafia?? That's like the Italian B'Nai Brith!

*** All this time I thought my crazy Uncle Izzy was a boss with a positive motivating attitude.
I obviously misunderstood when he'd constantly tell us how he "stroked his male staff till he got a satisfactory outcome"!!

*** Guy asked me if I was a Jew for Jesus, I said, "What, first we killed him---now I gotta be a member of his foundation?? Do I look like George Costanza??

*** I met my ex-wife on a Blind Date. The whole thing was a set up.

*** Another guy asked me if I wanted to be a Jehovah's Witness---I said "Hey, I didn't even see the accident??"

*** Congressman Massa from NY and Obama Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel
are going at it tooth and nail.
The resigning congressman's admitted to charges of sexually harassing his male staff, or "turning over another page", as crudely put by one commentator.
(It is also alleged but not confirmed that he made Afro-American staffers respond with "Yes Massa!!", when he summoned them.

*** Massa blames Rahm Emanuel for setting him up for political reasons, viz, to get rid of one Dem opponent of his boss's Healthcare Bill.
The ex-congressman called Rahm the "devil's spawn" and a man who would "sell his grandmother" and "tie his children to the front bumper of his car", to get his way.
Emanuel checked with his lawyers who advised him he had no basis for suing for slander.
Yup, this is a fight where no one has a dog.

*** I read that on Passover, Chinese-Jewish farmers light the manure.

Nickwogs and Polynacks

2010-03-09T07:20:00.000-08:00

*** Bill Gates said in an interview that he replaced Window's last edition with "Seven", because "not enough people had VistaVision".

*** Hollywood insiders who know Tom Hanks say that, once all still-living World war II participants have passed away, he intends to purchase the conflict as his own "Intellectual Property".

*** How can I describe O'Neill's The Iceman Cometh--- the most depressing eight-part episode of Cheers imaginable.".

*** It remains cold in Florida---one pitcher in a major league Spring Training game was caught throwing a spitter when the ball arrived at the catcher's mitt covered in ice.

*** I find many French novels are much adieu about nothing.

*** Reportedly those in the meat industry were outraged when James Cameron's film failed to take best picture---they thought it was called Abattoir.

*** Sen. Harry Reid: "Today is a big day in America. Only 36,000 people lost their jobs today, which is really good.”--- underground rumblings and vibrations were reported at the Hyde Park Roosevelt family cemetery.

*** New social site for people who have trouble remembering names, "What's His Facebook?com"

Oscar Follow-UP

2010-03-08T09:35:00.000-08:00

y, I did pretty well as a prognosticator.
I got four out of the top five categories correct.

I didn't see The Hurt Locker---which so far hasn't grossed enough to cover the Assistant Best Boy's lunch tab---to beat Avatar..
The academy's done stranger things---five years ago they gave Best Pic to Crash, a movie that was already on DVD three days after it was made, and people were avoiding renting in droves..

Random Observations:

Is it just me, or did Sandra Bullock, in her acceptance speech, out both herself and Meryl Streep when she called the latter, "my lover"?

What was the deal with hosts Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin dissin' George Clooney and the latter sitting there looking surly?

What in the hell was bobble-head Kathy Ireland doing interviewing celebs on the Red Carpet--- brings to mind a tasteless line concerning Red Carpet Burns!

Has there ever been a more pointless and overblown (I guess that was the "funny" and obscenely expensive point) opening number, with Doogie Howser reminding us that he hosted last year, and telling us who the new hosts would be?

Funniest moment for me---when the winners for documentary, an African male and what seemed like a 50-ish Jewish yenta, came up to receive their rewards--- He got there before her and, standing alone, started his acceptance speech. About 10 seconds later she all but pushes him out of the picture in mid-sentence, and lets loose a sound that made Joy Behar sound like Eartha Kitt whispering in your ear.

Another stupidly pointless highlight was when the Best Screenplay awards were being presented and they showed about ten seconds from each nominated film, with that part of the script superimposed over the screen---Duh!! How informative!!

Funniest line came from Steve Martin around midnight---"This show's been on so long Avatar now takes place in the past!"

Handicapping the Oscars, Part Two

2010-03-07T09:35:00.000-08:00

In response to a tidal wave of criticism ((I can dream, can't I?) concerning the fact that I failed to deal with the Best Actor categories in my Oscar handicapping piece yesterday, I now, by popular demen...er..demand, present my picks in the thespian categories:

Best Actor---Male:

Jeff Bridges, playing Robert Duvall in Tender Mercies, , for Crazy Heart..

George Clooney, extending his talents to the very edges of his George Clooney-nish, in Up in the Air

Colin Firth---being all British and barely intelligble in A Single Man ---no wait!! Is that Clive Owens? No, Colin Ferguson, no, wait, Colin Clive, er... Hugh Jackman---well, one of those blokes! Wait ! Isn't that A Serious Man? I'm confused.

Morgan Freeman---Another stretch for Freeman, playing a man of honor, dignity and wisdom in Invictus---it's gettin' old!

Jeremy Renner in The Hurt Locker--- (I thought that was about where I used to get beat up in high school!). As to Mr. Renner's performance---who??

And the winner is... Jeff Bridges--- the academy finally gets around to honoring him for his unforgettable performance in 1976's King Kong.

Best Actor--Female
Sandra Bullock in The Blind Side, another schmaltzy,underdog-to-champion retread.
This time Bullock plays Goldie Hawn in Wildcats..

Helen Mirren---a dame who's inevitably gonna be a Dame, as she's nominated in a film called The Last Station--- I'm not sure, but I think that's where The Serious Man met A Single Man.

Carey Mulligan in An Education---I'm sure that whoever she is, she was noteworthy (Okay, I got nothin' here!)

Gabourey Sidibe for Precious---okay, she may have given a hell of performance, but I hear her family and relatives are buying widescreen TV's to see her in her evening dress.

Meryl Streep---little known actress has done some impressive work over the last 30 years, so she's one to watch!

And the winner is...

Sandra Bullock, who will finally receive recompense for her years being in more turkeys than stuffing!

Ok quick---Best Director---James Cameron's ex, Kathryn Bigelow for The Hurt Locker--- it's a little know fact that according to their divorce settlement, she is to receive any Oscars he receives after his first one.
Don't ever mention the name Marvin Mitchelson around Cameron!

Best Supporting Actors--- Monique and Christopher Waltz.

Tomorrow we'll discuss why I was wrong!!

Harris's Oscar Picks.

2010-03-06T07:48:00.001-08:00

Okay, let me get one thing clear---I HATE the Oscars---I've hated them for 62 years---that's right ---I started listening to them in utero. (I'll prove it---Gentlemen's Agreement got Best Picturethat year--- Case closed!!) ) Okay, without further ado, I will now handicap the Oscars---assuming that I could possibly do a better job handicapping them than they do themselves!!

Lets get to the Best Picture category---before they increase the number to 20
nominees!

The Blind Side---or, Sandra Bullock actually doesn't suck in a film that doesn't suck too bad!!(could be a Dark Horse---or was that the Black Stallion?)

District Nine--- The Fly meets E.T. meets
Aliens meets Rambo meets Periodic Impulses to Regurgitate.. The shrimp people will be battered!

An Education--- I missed it-- Did that go direct to Beta-Max?

The Hurt Locker---something about bomb-de-fusers in Iraq---they could probably be put to better use in Hollywood!

Inglourious Basterds--- I guess they took Quentin Tarentino off his meds long enough for him to crank out another heartfelt, passionate homage to graphic, gratuitous violence. Somethin' about Brad Pitt and the Dirty Bakers Dozen "killin' Nat-zies".

Precious---emotional trials and tribulations of overweight afro-American females--- Hey, ain't that what Povitch and Springer are for?

A Serious Man---hey look---we already paid tribute to those quirky, kooky Coen Brothers two years ago for No Country for Old Men..
Maybe again sometime in the future when they come close to a product with mainstream appeal, but not now.

Up--- I think too many people are being carried away by Up. (Pardon my little pun there---or will it take the Governor to do that? .
Ya now what? The first 15 minutes or so were charming and enchanting---the rest of the film, uh, not so much!

Up in the Air--- heard it was good, but this year, the winner will be

Avatar--- giving James Cameron the opportunity, when receiving the Oscar, to yell "I'm The King of Pandora!!"
Basically Dances with Wolves, set 150 years in the future, plus an FX budget larger than the combined GNP of half the world's nations; not to mention a thinly-veiled condemnation of US imperialism to satisfy Hollywood's Limousine Liberals.

Best Supporting Actors---who cares??

Lets go right to Best Song:

Should be a tight race among,

from Up--- I've Heard of Ballooning Mortgages, But This Is Ridiculous!!

from The Blind Side---Tell Me True, Have You Been Seeing Someone on the Side?

from Inglourios Basterds---KIll Me Some Men Who Are Kraut-Hearted Men"

Hog Mild

2010-03-02T06:04:00.000-08:00

*** Rejected opening sentence of story: "In the long run, he realized he wasn't gonna win the Boston Marathon."

*** As to my neighbors---I'm a little bit country, they're a whole lotta lock 'n load.

*** Would you call two pirates having a disagreement an Aargh-ument?

*** Was it Edgar Guest who wrote, "It takes a heap o' livin' to make a house a heap" .

*** I guess for Jean-Paul Marat and his relationship with Charlotte Corday it was strictly bed, bath and beyond.

*** I wonder if air guitarists use chordless phones?

*** Tuesday March the second---that woulda been Tuesday Weld' name if she had married Frederick March Jr.

Man and Jim Croce thought he had a hard time placing a call!

2010-03-01T07:59:00.000-08:00
Never call a big business with an automated telephone system when you're in a pissy mood.
I actually got into a raging verbal battle with a robot!
Okay, so first I hear what EVERYONE hears first:

" Thank You for calling Trans-Global Schlockmeister.
Please pay close attention as we have recently changed our menu"

(Okay lady, it didn't work for the greasy spoon down the street and it ain't gonna work for you!!)

"If you'd like billing information press one and say yes at the same time!!"

(Well that's a new one!!)

"I heard you say "one" ---we'll connect you with Billing. This call may be taped, for your protection."

(No, I didn't say one---ok, I did say one , but I don't want billing!and, Yeah, sure it's taped for my protection---
More like it's taped so you can fire the poor slob working in your Boiler Room for $2 an hour if he he decides to deviate from the script and act like a human)

"I'm sorry, we didn't understand your answer, please press zero and repeat"

(Okay, I don't want billing!!)

"I'm sorry, we couldn't hear you. Are you sure you pressed zero?"

(I forgot!)

"No problem--- just press zero."

(Okay.)

"Yes? So what is your message ---please speak clearly!"

(You said, "Just press zero!!)

"Yes, but then you must say something clearly-- and get the mashed potatoes out of your mouth!"

(Hey lady, I've dealt with your prototype before)

"Sorry, couldn't hear a thing! Nada!! Did you forget to press zero again, duffus?"

(Hey, one more smart remark like that and I'll be over there and get Medieval with your mother board!!)

"If you'd like Technical Support press pound and 5 simultaneously!---If you'd like that repeated, hang up and call back!"

(Hey RoboClerk, just give me customer service, okay??!!!)

"Certainly. Just take off your damn mittens and press star, the number 8, and with the dial pad play and sing along to Yankee Doodle"

(Are you fuckin' kidding?? Is this that time of month for female cyborgs?.)

"I'm sorry. You have used several words that I am not programmed to understand---in other words, watch it, you sexist jerk!!"
(Alright, lets both calm down... can you please just give me Customer Service??)

"Transferring now sir---bite me!!"

"Due to heavy volume you will, have to wait for the next available representative---estimated waiting time...
2 hours and 47 minutes---relax and listen to our soothing music A Treasury of Gangsta Rap Classics"...

.........."My ho may be a bitch , but your bitch is a ho!---I tol' mah baby mama that her sister daddy,
Will baby sit her mama' granddaughter
Throw your hands in the air ---
Now turn over all your money---
Everybody say "antidisestablishmentantarianism"--oh yeah!!---That's what I'm talkin' 'bout!!"

(Click)

Untitled by Anonymous

2010-02-28T09:15:00.000-08:00
*** Is it just me, but didya ever notice that when you go to insert a two-prong plug, 8 times out of 10 you'll fail on the first try because the prongs are in the reverse position?

*** I notice one of my racist redneck neighbor is improving since being forced by his boss to take "Race Sensitivity Classes"---I heard him say he repaired something on his car by Afro-American-rigging it".

*** One of the Psychiatrist's top-10 favorites: : Come to Me My Melancholia Baby

*** I think one of my neighbor's kids may not only be a ne'er do-well, but a pervert--he tried to start a business shining women's shoes.

*** Great! Well, I should be looking forward to some intense questioning-- that kid I was supporting for $20 a month in Africa years ago? ---yup, the Christmas Eve Airplane Bomber!

*** Now I got one of my nephews pissed at me---hey, I thought the Sweatshop was a great name for the chain of gyms he was hoping to succeed with in the third world.

*** Business week reports that Hyundai will soon be unveiling a new car specially made for nighttime driving the Moonlight Sonata.

*** Peaches and Herb are reportedly outraged that a Global-Warming Concern group has changed and used, in an ad, on of their hits to give a cautionary message: Ain't No Mountain Deep Enough, Ain't No Ocean High Enough.***

Sabbath Sillies

2010-02-27T08:05:00.000-08:00
--Okay, "Who put the Ram in the Lamba-Lamba Ding Dong"?--- isn't that kiddie porn?

-- I noticed a loyal fan at my few gigs was an entomologist---I aked him why---he said , "I love it when the fruit flies!"

-- According the the Department of Health, the 9th out of 10 most dangerous activities you can be engage in is "Approaching Sean Penn with a camera."

-- Sea World executives have still not settled on a proper punishment for Takealeakee for killing an employee---for now they just surround him and yell "Shamu on you!!"

--However, according to former Dream Team lawyer Robert Shapiro who has been retained by the mammal, "the creature is obviously not guilty, on the basis of the fact that in order to bolster his show biz resume and bona fides, he feels it incumbent to live up to the name Killer Whale every now and then."

--I understand that in Cirque de Soleil show "Beatles Love", the Octopus's Garden number features a chorus line of leggy, high-kicking ladies called The Oysterettes.

--I asked a single friend of mine why he watched the film Chicago over a hundred times. He said, "Well, it's got good dance and you can beat to it!"

--

A Smattering of Scatterings

2010-02-26T07:33:00.000-08:00
*** News from the South Pacific that a volley ball answering to the name "Wilson", was fished from the ocean and immediately expressed concern for the fate of actor Tom Hanks.

*** Jeff Goldblum in The Fly---a man who really made something of himself.

*** Hey, when did the Obama administration appoint Tom Arnold as Press Secretary?? I mean , look at him next time.

*** "At the end of A Christmas Carol, Scrooge becomes a social butterfly, coming out of his coccoon and wishing everyone a Merry Chrystalis!"-- from a review of the Dickens classic in Entomology Today.

*** Well, it looks like those geniuses in Washington are combining Single Payer with Public Option---Yup, we'll have a Single Option! 'Oh the HUMANA!!'

*** Sea World in Orlando is calling the recent tragedy "a fluke".
In the meantime the aquarium announced that for the whale Tikilme-elmo, this is his third strike, having killed two other humans previously while playing the circuit.
Said the Seaquarium director solemnly "We have no choice but to give him his swimming papers"
The whale is scheduled to appear on Larry King Live to tell his side of the story. By the way, I heard that the host is getting so cadaverous, they're thinking of putting a question mark after the show's title.

*** Republican Sen John Boehner---the world's only walking embalmed man.

*** Interesting. I was watching this show, Seven Signs of the Apocalypse, and it turns out that the sixth one was predicted in Revelations and read "And it shall come to pass that there will be a great lamentations and gnashing of teeth as those Pharisee Hypocrites who call themselves educators, will through their electro-visual power of story-telling, show a nauseating multitude of shows about the Apocalypse."

Scatological Alert!!

*** True. I just read that English monarchs had in their employ two men , called Lords of the Stool, whose royal chore it was to wipe the Sovereign's posterior after he had evacuated his bowels. As if that was not an honor enough, they also were charged with carefully examining the monarch's feces for signs of health or disease.
It were these faithful servants, who in their leisure time unwinding to friends and family, originated the phrase "Same shit, different day!"

No, but it's c-o-l-d!!!!

2010-02-25T09:01:00.000-08:00
It' so cold:

@@@ They're selling fur-lined condoms.

@@@ Families are huddled around the TV warming their hands to the Winter Olympics.

@@@ People are burning "An Inconvenient Truth" DVD's for heat.

@@@ McDonald's is advertising scalding hot coffee.

@@@ Punxatawney Phil reappeared after three weeks and booked a flight to Ecuador.

@@@ Diners are putting salsa on everything just for the heartburn

@@@ Florida birds have all flown to South America for the winter.

@@@ Florida Governor Charlie Crist, just for the warmth, actually held his wife in a long embrace.

Condensed Classics of World Literature, Part One.

2010-02-24T09:18:00.000-08:00
Mark Twain once said that a classic novel is "a book that everybody wants to have read, but nobody wants to".
As an aid to those who just haven't found the time to read these timeless works, I present a brief synopsis, so you will not be at a loss at cocktail parties.

"Moby Dick"---Obsessed Captain Ahab hunts a great white metaphor or symbol or something, that took his leg in a previous confrontation.
Since termites ate his crude prosthetic, he wants the leg back.

Famous lines include:

"Call me Ish Kabibble" and "Hey, let stop over at Starbucks!!"

"A Tale of Two Cities" ---story of a man who loses his head over some dame.

"Madam Bovary"---Desperate Housewife of 19th-century Paris.

"Anna Karenina"---Desperate Housewife of 19th-century Moscow

"Lady Chatterly's Lover"---Desperate housewife of early 20th-century England. Her husband was in wheelchair and the muscular gameskeeper wasn't. Do the math!

"Heart of Darkness"---a search into the darkest Africa to find a man who has reverted to insane barbarism and brutality---Later updated as "My Dinner with Idi Amin"

"Catcher in the Rye"---teenage boy rebels against school and other social strictures---Later updated as the film Ferris Bueller's Day Off"

War and Peace--- Napoleon invades Russia--- the Russian soldiers and winter defeat Napoleon, just in time, since Tchaikovsky had already finished The 1812 Overture.
Reader must keep track of the stories of dozens of characters, until in exasperation he says, "Anov is Anov!!.

"Crime and Punishment"--A young man kills an old lady by fracturing her skull and then spends 600 pages wondering if maybe he didn't do the right thing.

"The Grapes of Wrath" the Joad family's arduous journey to California at the height of the depression, where they wind up in a John Ford movie.

"The Canterbury Tales"---a group of sojourners tell "hilarious " anecdotes from 14th century life in England---but, really, for most of them , you hadda be there!!

The Essential Top Greatest Hits of All Time!!!!

2010-02-23T05:52:00.000-08:00
Yes, this Murray the N (you remember me kids --with the Beatles I was known as the Fifth Ass-Kisser)saying Act now!! Time is Running Out!!--but we sent someone to catch Him!!

Yes, The Essential Top Greatest Hits of All Time---30, count 'em ---no, you don't really have to count them now--- CD's containing over 3500 of the greatest songs of the 50's, 60's, 70's, 80's, 90's, 00's ---and for no extra cost---1873:

You'll get:

"My Hanky Does the Monkey Spanky "
"Baby I'ma Great Need of Grammar Lessons"
"Knock Three Times on the Ceiling and I'll Come Down to Knock Boots"
"Rockin' Whooping Crane"
"Oh, C'Mon!! I Don't Wanna Be a Teenager in Love!!"
"She's My Tallahassee Lassie, But She's Getting Cosmetic Surgery"
"He Ain't Heavy, He's on Jenny Craig"
"Larry, Come Back with Our Hats!!"
"I'll Be There (As Long as You're Here!)
"Hey 98.6 I thought You Were Hotter Than That!"
"He Took a Hundred Pounds of Clay and Created a Fashion Model"
"Jumpin' Jack Flash is Outta Gas Gas Gas!!"
"I Give Her All My love, That's All I Do, And If You Saw My Love, You'd Call the Zoo"
"It's Not For Me to Say (My Wife Won't Let Me!)"
"Lets Go Get Hopped Up"

Yes these and over 3400 others---if you act now---only $19.95 (plus mandatory subscriptions to 12 magazines, applying for a credit card, a down payment on a Luxury Condo and a Male Enhancer)...Hurry,Operators are Falling Asleep

The Tibetan Book of the 'in Fair Condition'

2010-02-22T07:40:00.000-08:00
Hey, is everybody in synchronization with the Great Harmonious Life Force (or as I like to call it, Jerome?? ).
Great!!

Well, I know it's been awhile since I last scattered my seeds of wisdom ---no, that was last night..h-hm!!....

Again, as the wise teacher/guru/PA, Yuayntceenuthynyett says, "It's always something!!"
Sylviadayenta, my spherical object and chain, has become an apostate from my ideas, and has jumped over to Scientology, because, in her words---"I WANNA MEET TOM CRUISE AND JOHN TRAVOLTA!!"
But she still has the same figure she had when we married 30 years ago---yes, she was a fat slob then too.

Meanwhile, our son Ayntwurthatinkasdam has been out of work since being laid off from his job at Taco Bell where his duty was having to run around the place with a small net catching lettuce falling out of people's tacos (it was a position the eatery created, in a PR move, after rumors that they were reusing the wayward lettuce in new tacos were confirmed).
Anyway, at the end of the first day, the manager was unhappy with the sheer heaps of shredded lettuce, and even tomatoes on the floor---he added insult to injury by hurtfully telling my son that he "would never have any future in vegetable catching!

I can't convince him to take up the cloth---that damn thing's been on the dining room table for years and needs cleaning for Krishna's sake!!

Today, I want to speak, again, of this idea that is causing many people heartburn that the world is slated to end on Dec.21, 2012.
Okay, Krishna Morty likes to steer clear of politics, but surely the all-too-possible prospect of having a choice between Sarah Palin and Barack Obama to be the person to manage things for four more years, certainly lends some credence to the idea of Apocalypse in '12.

I can't tell you how many times I have been besieged by frighten women (usually it's the other way around) with babes in arms, apprehensively begging for some assurance that it will not be to the detriment of their families' finances to do Christmas shopping that year?

And again, let me asssure all of you that the 2012 prediction, is as we say in Nepal, in the solemn words of the ancient Wise Men, Bull Puckey!! Malarkey!! A load of crap!! "Yakshit!!" "Water Buffalo Chips!!!!, if ya believe that I got a bridge over the Ganges I'm tryin' to sell!!.

I mean, think acolytes, devotees and hangers-on. I mean the people in this world aren't all exactly ready for Nirvana on this last mortal round-trip---why, even the best of us can expect at least 10 more incarnations (c'mon, admit you don't always signal when changing lanes!) while people..oh,people like politicians and bankers lets say, are gonna need at least another 100,000 years here on this whacky little planet I like to call Earth.

If it's destroyed, well, we've lost a major venue for the reconciliation of souls to the God force--- are we gonna go to another planet?? With the price of gasoline these days??!---and how are 8 billion people gonna fit on the rockets---especially if Kevin Smith is on one of them??!

Hey, you've been transcendent!!

See ya next time!!

Sunday Sundries

2010-02-21T09:14:00.000-08:00
I read in a biography of Jeffrey Dahmer that his parents may hav e fatally missed an ominous sign when he was a child. Seems that when Christine Jorgensen went to Sweden to be surgically changed to a woman, little Dahmer suddenly developed a craving for Swedish Meatballs!

Much lesser known song title:

"There's a Porn Shop on the Corner in Blue Balls Pennsylvania".
.
According to a bio on Sgt Joyce Kilmer, famous for his poem "Trees", in a moment of despair before he achieved recognition, he cynically wrote, "I think that I will often see, a Poet hanging from a tree"

According to people magazine, Liza Minelli sentimentally remembers all her ex-husbands by putting their Do Not Disturb signs in a cherished place in her house.

Oh when does this trial end?? I tried to hire some Chippendale Dancers and they sent over two guys dressed up as chipmunks.

Who Asked Me:
Leonardo DiCaprio, seemingly in an effort to get out from under the type of casting his cherubic face demands, has been mostly playing tough cops and other such badasses. Trouble, is Leonardo, I can't ever get past that "baby face---you've got the cutest little baby face..."

If Obama's hair continues to gray at the pace it is now, by 2012 he'll be ready to star in a remake of Sanford and Son.

Family News

2010-02-20T08:58:00.000-08:00
Cousin Sheldon, who always had a violent temper, just should never have quit his Anger Managent class.
Yeah, he was talking with a guy and said something the man enthusiastically agreed with.
When the guy went to fist bump him, Sheldon shot him dead.

Aspiring actress, Cousin Ariel---she got a role in The Vagina Monologues, but she was canned because the director thought she was a cunt.

Alkie Uncle Saul--says he's given himself over to a Higher Power---J&B Importers.

Career criminal Uncle Max-another winner---only after he strong-armed his way to cornering the Change-Making Machine market, he realized the business wasn't making a nickel profit!

Libertine niece Sultrina!! She is showing signs of maturing, though---she says all she wants to do is find three good men and settle down.

Cousin Shlomo, no genius---he used to be a professional wrestler--- when his wife asked him for his pin number, he got down on his knees and slapped the floor as he counted off "1-2-3!"

Crazy Uncle Izzy says he hates to watch TV so he told the Satellite installers to have the dish facing north.

Some Gotta Win, Some Gotta Luge...

2010-02-16T09:46:00.000-08:00
Over to Curt Dowdy at NBC Sports:

"Yes, it is with a spontaneous outburst of apathy that

American viewers are turning their channels away in unprecedented numbers.

Of course, I'm talking about the 25,497th Annual Winter Olympics

live on tape from Vancouver.

And what an auspicious beginning!! Only one fatality on

the first day!!

And what deplorable taste of that one announcer who said, "He came here to win the

gold, but wound up taking the steel!!"
( Yeah, yeah, I
know---'tragedy, plus time'---but hey, it's been four days already!!).

And lets not overlook the fact that tens of thousands of protesting supporters of

the "indigenous peoples", as well as anti-corporatists have been having something of

an Olympics themselves outside the venue :

You should have seen the events;

Women's Free-Form Flopping Breasts While Thrusting Their Protest Signs Up in the Air.

Synchronized Whining

Men's Timed Beating the Living Crap Out of the Guy in his Underwear

Carrying the Olympic Torch!

Cross Country Slogan-Shouting

But other than these few contretemps, great fun is being had by

some.

Lesser Known Winter Olympic Events you may find entertaining:

Men's Extreme Snowball Fight

Men's Downslope Texting

Women's Upslope Shlepping.

Men's Avalanche Survival

The Sub-Saharan Bobsled Team

Senior Citizens Ski/Walker Slalom Competition.

This has been Curt Dowdy from Vancouver."

Out with the old, in with the NEWS!!

2010-02-14T07:57:00.000-08:00
--- "Swiss won't extradite Polanski til US case is done (AP)" --- 32 years ago!! This may be the first time the statute of limitations runs out on a case before it's filed.--- "Malawi government backs Madonna over school (AP)"--- Hey she's use to those kind of positions.

---"British fashion designer McQueen found dead at 40 (AP)"---well, I guess that's the end of the line.

---"Dr. Dre sues over unpaid 'Chronic' royalties (AP)"---WHAT?? Well where the hell are my friend's royalties for growin' that stuff!!

--- "Israel claims that 'illegal riots' have interfered with Israeli security operations.” ---that should teach 'em---next time do the proper paperwork to have an officially sanctioned riot!!

--- "Pakistani officials confirm Taliban chief is dead (AP)"--- seems they were having him over as a guest at a dinner party and he choked on croissant.

--- "New aerial NYPD photos of 9/11 attack released(AP)"--- Great!! This could be new ammo for the 9/11 Conspiracists---"Well, how come the police happen to be in position to take aerial photos of the attack in real time??," they'll whine. ...hey, wait a minute!!

--- "Google to build ultra-fast broadband networks (AP)"--- However, company CEO's have expressed worries over where and how they can get the information they need to achieve this goal.

--- "Bernanke outlines plan for pulling in stimulus aid (AP)"---talk about a "labor of love"!!

---" 'Really Scary' Quake Hits 50 Miles Outside of Chicago (AP)"---And what's REALLY scary is that description came from the National Institute Of Seismology!!

Knuckle-Ballin'

2010-02-13T06:54:00.002-08:00
In light of recent Supreme Court decisions, the title of Orson Welles classic film has been changed to " Citizen Kane Financial Empire"

My Uncle Sol was so cheap , he once gave a nickel to the March of Dimes!

Cousin Ariel likes to take odd jobs that still make it clear to all that she's a serious actress---she was once a Stratford-on-Avon Lady.

I'm gettin' so old I remember when remote controls had only three buttons!!

I read that Fred MacMurray, when he made those Disney comedy films was forever flubbering his lines.

I think a Jewish Yuppie couple I know may be putting too much pressure on their newborn---they're naming him Wikipedia.

I read this escapist novel ---the critics called ita first-rate pot-boiler---more like a pot-simmerer.

Man, I know times are hard---I saw a hooker with a sign, "No Payments Till 2011!"

That's the last time I buy a GPS from a New Age store---whenever I'd consult it, it said, "Hey man---it ain't the destination, it's the journey!"

My wife always says "Jesus!!" when she points out something amiss I did around the house---That's okay, that's what my Jewish mother called me when I was kid!

Hail to the Chiefs, Part I

2010-02-12T07:07:00.001-08:00
Being that this is the beginning of the President Sale-Day Weekend (and aren't most presidents up for sale?), we (me) think it is "not only fitting , but proper" (and if you want a good fitting, it's only proper to try the clothes on)that we acknowledge some of these great men who made America what it is today--flat on its ass broke!.

So, in that sacred tradition we will pay homage to the extraordinary 44 men and no women who have taken the helm and steered the Ship of State, through calm waters and turbulent (and I will take the High Road here and eschew any smarmy jokes referring to Exxon captain Lee Hazelwod--so eschew on that for a while.)

George Washington, while being called "The Father of His Country" actually had no children of his own---however, he did blaze a trail into the future with his prolific sperm donations to many fertility clinics---clinics well-stocked with back issues of Colonial Maidens Gone Wild and the Bawdy Tales of Benjamin Franklin: The Paris Years.
Fun Fact: the salutations used in his letters to his wife,
two centuries later inspired the Beatles to write "Martha My Dear".

John Adams---though short and short-tempered, he used his political skill to keep us at peace with England and France, which was greatly helped by the fact that all three countries, try as they did, couldn't find an issue to get their noses bent out of joint over.
Fun Fact: When his child, John Quincy Adams, was born, he was quoted as saying.
"I think it's wonderful that he was born in a nation where any boy can grow up to be president---and God help him if he doesn't!!
He was also the only man to serve as both President and Vice-President, which to the consternation of the electorate occurred during the same term!

Thomas Jefferson- ---Tom did it all---he wrote the Declaration of Independence, without which there never would have been that Nicholas Cage movie National Treasure.
He switched our currency from British pence and pounds, to dollars and cents, as many merchants were complaining they were putting on so many pounds, they couldn't put on their pence.
He formed the Democratic Party and changed their name to the Republican Party---the first instance of someone inadvertently almost giving away the hustle.
He wrote "All men are created equal and endowed by their creator...".
His slaves would have a good laugh at that one, while recognizing the insight of the "endowed" part.
One fetching slave (actually she was often fetching and stepping)in particular, Sally Hemming, caught his eye and threw it back to him. With her he fathered a line that two centuries later would proudly boast that they were "movin' on up to the East Side".

James Madison--- he was known as the Father of the Constitution, and had he had the foresight to see two centuries into the future, would have had second thoughts about creating The Supreme Court and have taken out a restraining order against it to protect his progeny.
It is equally regrettable that he lacked the historical insight to see that the War of 1812 was coming right along on schedule, and would not have ignored British terrorist warnings.
Alas, the original British Invasion resulted in the White House being burned down, and worst of all, he had let his Home Insurance policy lapse.
Fun Fact: His wife, Dolly, was the witty and stylish 19th century hostess with the mostest, who, unfazed by the calamity, laughed it off saying "Well, one thing you can say about the British---they sure know how to paint the town redcoat!!".

They had a strong marriage and Madison was quoted as saying" I can't ever see me and Dolly partin'!"

James Monroe---He is most famous for the Monroe Doctrine, which defiantly and in no uncertain terms(including his own) proclaimed that the rest of the world better keep their greedy mitts off South America.
Upon the signing of the doctrine, he made it clear by saying, "Hey, if anybody's gonna repress and exploit that continent, it's gonna be us!

Monroe also purchased Florida from Spain, only for the little known reason that he wanted to spend the winters in Boca Raton.
Fun Fact: The often ridiculed idea that he was the ancestor of Marilyn Monroe has been thoroughly discredited. However, scientists have proven beyond a doubt that he was the great-great-great-great-great grandfather of John Waters film star Divine.

John Quincy Adams ---Most well known for being the son of the 2nd President, John Adams, it really irked him no end that that was what he was most known for. This stuck in his craw to the degree that he was famous for pissing off his foes, as well as his friends.
This prompted one contemporary wag to observe "President Adams doesn't have an enemy in the world---only his friends can't stand him!"
.
Fun Fact:---highly well read and articulate, Adams was known in his own right for witty remarks, such as "Everybody talks about the weather but no one wants to put on galoshes!" and "Give a man a fish and he eats for a day; teach him to fish and he'll bore you to death with his endless boasting!"

(To be Continued)

As My Kazoo Gently Toots

2010-02-11T05:57:00.000-08:00
There have been a number of tragic high-speed car collisions into Toyota dealerships reported, as drivers attempt to bring in their cars back for repair.

Harris's Cyber Link Availability Rule-- The speed with which you will be able to find a given link on a web site is in inverse proportion to it as a basically important, primary necessity for navigating said website, i.e., If you go to a college website you will have the devil's own time finding such basics as, Courses available, school calendar, tuition fees, etc. Conversely , links to all manner of secondary and tertiary trifles are all over the place.

News in tinselstown is that Miss Piggy and Kermit are splitsville--- he complained of her "Hogging the spotlight".

Well, looks like my reputation's preceding me---the police say I'm a "person of interest".

We have a weird dog named Tandy---she's precocious, but weird!!
Take commands:

We tell her to rollover---she's on the line to her broker telling him to double up on her investments.

We tell her to play dead---she demands violin accompaniment.
She let some local four-legged Lothario take her out drinking---She always falls for his line, "Hey, baby, you may have had your shots, but now it's time for a few boosters.

She insists on seeing only female vets and only ones that won't make her get on the scale.
She learned how to beg by watching me in the bedroom.

That's unfortunately where she learned to chew on bones.

Nitwits and Polyglots

2010-02-10T06:59:00.000-08:00
There was a funny good ol' boy around here who used to keep his wife in stitches--until she had enough and called the cops!

Billy Joel was trashed by a NY Times fashion editor,who saw him at a formal event. He said Joel made a fool of himself wearing a "younger man's clothes".
Relatedly, a CEO of the now defunct Lehman Brothers has written a book trying to defend his reputation and that of his company "We Didn't Start the Firing".

I go to a doctor who has no malpractice insurance---you know he's gonna do a very careful job!

A friend of mine married a stripper, but it didn't last long---he said he was tired of seeing his wife flash before his eyes
ls.

When exactly did The Simpson's become shills for Coca-Cola?? I mean, did the show's creators, on a 20-year run need the money?-is all hope gone?? What's next, Leno and Letterman appearing in a commercial together?.

Damn this technology---I tried to download Elvis' Return to Sender--my pc kept sending it back!!

After years of therapy , I realize the core of my problems: I was never able to live up to my parents' expectations of me-- they exected me to be both a doctor and a lawyer---that way I could defend myself in malpractice suits..

INFECTUS

2010-02-09T08:02:00.000-08:00
Well, cousin Ariel is now a person of stage and screen---she was screened and found to be in Stage 2 of Hepatitis.

Well, now we know what Tim Tebow and his mom's controversial Super Bowl statement on abortion was: if your mother decides against having an abortion while carrying you,well, thank her with a violent open field tackle! I mean, is it just me, but what the hell did that even mean? What did they think it meant? I must lie down.

Angelina Jolie Is Heading to Haiti-- what can ya say, the woman's a saint. Now...if they could only find--- is a couple asking too much?... good films for her to star in, where she's not wearing outfits and make-up that make N'Avi in Avatar look like Sissy Spacek!!

Insights:
I find women's reaction to "bald" men interesting. I guess it's either : a) turned off by semi-bald men or b) hot for totally bald men. Is it women's way of saying---"Hey!! I say pick the way you want your head to look and go with it! I mean either grow your lost hair back (not likely), get a friggin' rug!!--or shave it all off and show you're a realistic man of decision, a man who gets what he wants, not a simpering milquetost!!"

As for me, I still have all my hair---and don't think barbers and customers didn't think it odd that I collected all my cuttings since I was a kid.
I am donating it in my will to NASA so they can use it to block the hole in the ozone layer.

Here's my problem:-I know what my path is---it's just that it's been blocked with Orange Cones and Bob's Barricades.

Heres' a bit of irony: Al Jolson's great-great grandson has been signed to do the Larry Parks Story on stage.

Speaking of the old-time greats, many people probably know that Eddie's last name comes from, as many Jews did back then, from a functionary of the synangogue---I guess we're lucky that the entertainer we know from such signature songs as "Ida" and "If You Knew Suzie" 's name is not Eddie Foreskincutter

Comedia Verite'

2010-02-08T06:33:00.000-08:00
If I may be serious , which I doubt strongly, I would like to take the opportunity to opine on the the last decade as concerns TV comedy.

I make no claim to be a Tom Shales, whoever he is, but I somewhat immodestly consider myself as the Omniscient Judge of What Makes People Go Ha Ha(--- hmmm, maybe I never should have quit therapy)

Anyway, if you'll indulge my delusion for a moment, I have always considered that person who looks for quality TV among the annual crop is akin to someone trawling a cesspool for diamonds.

However, thank creation, there will always be a few diamonds to be found in this otherwise fetid lagoon.

The diamonds, which began in the 90's and continued through the first four years of the new decade were Frasier, Friends , Everybody Loves Raymond and Dharma and Greg.
After they closed up shop, there was only the brilliant,and as if to prove the point, Emmy-ignored Everybody Hates Chris --but , alas that seems to be the price poor players must pay to strut and fret their half-hour upon the stage on what Jesse Jackson termed a Plantation Station...and are heard no more
(My son argued for Arrested Development which ran in some of those bleak post-1994 years, and I at first down-thumbed it as being too self-consciously, overclever for my tastes---however, I have begun giving them a second look and I believe I'm startin' to get it).

And now, as if by the hands of Providence, to fill the void left by ...Chris, comes four, count' em, four shows to rekindle the dwindling flame of hope for the future of comedy: Modern Family, The Middle, Nurse Jackie and Men of a Certain Age

All have one common denominator--- a sense of life, the real world, and real people who talk and act as real people talk and act, while discovering the natural, uncontrived and unprocessed humor which therein resides.
They're worlds away from the predictable sitcom with their inane plots and their set 'em up, knock em down joke scheme...oh, what comes to mind...TWO AND A HALF MEN!!

In future blogs I will take a closer look at each one, but in the meanwhile, check these---they do what comedy does best: makes us laugh at ourselves and our species, while imparting liberating wisdom.

News in Briefs

2010-02-07T14:49:00.000-08:00
"'Love Story' author Erich Segal dies at 72"--- those who loved him pay homage by refusing to say they're sorry.

"Former British PM Tony Blair offers justification for Iraq War"---well, at long last!!

"Obama still loved by the over-educated"---so what are they tryin' to say?!

Man crafts fake Ferraris in barn on outskirts of Bangkok--hey, everyone needs a hobby!

Bin Laden Blasts US for Climate Change --- complains of expense of getting A/C in cave.

"Mystery visitor to Poe's grave is a no-show"---psychic claims dead author, saying 'enough is enough alreaddy!, issued a restraining order from the spirit world.

"Four Accused of Trying to Infiltrate Senator's Office"--- lame---how 70's!!

"Book: Pope John Paul II Whipped Himself as Penance" ---Ok Sinead O'Connor---happy now??

"Man Who Smuggled Lizards in Pants Gets Jail Time--- hapless thief caught as he tried to drain wrong one."

"Anne Hathaway at Harvard to get her pudding pot"--- Man, the diverse areas of study they offer these days!!

"James Taylor gets prestigious Carnegie Hall gigs"---c'mon, I think Carnegie Hall became no longer "prestigious" after Allen and Rossi played there!

The Super Bowl---lesser known facts and trivia.

2010-02-05T07:20:00.000-08:00
$$$ Just as many people tune in to see the commercials and the half-time show, as those who are interested in the game.

$$$ The game will start at 6:18 pm, which means the pre-game show will start at 10 am.

$$$ The game is annually watched by an estimated 20 billion people around the world, including our military on the Armed Services Network, and to the Taliban and Al Qaeda on Al Jazeera. As the game will be televised around 2 am Middle East time, all bombing missions, surges and suicidal and car bombings have been re-scheduled for the early afternoon so everyone can get some sleep before the game.

$$$ There's a better than even chance the game will really suck!!

$$$ The Who will undoubtedly play their anti- establishment, anti-politician anthem "We Won't Get Fooled Again" , after which they'll receive their 10 million dollars for performing about 15 minutes. This money will have been largely supplied by giant corporations.

$$$ Many people will laugh at the "funny" commercials, while just as many will stare at each other in dumbfounded disbelief.

$$$ In all probability, one or more of the officials will make a horrendous call that will determine the outcome of the game.

$$$ We will be introduced to new and innovative camera coverage of the game, including "Instant Flash-Forward"; a tiny camera attached to the Centers butts, so we can watch some of the action from that vantage point; and provocative See-Through Technology as the camera spotlights the cheerleaders.

$$$ Unless we are fans of either team, most of us will not be able to answer the question "Who won the Super Bowl?" in more than three weeks from now.

AfPak Up Your Troubles

2010-02-04T08:16:00.000-08:00
If Obama doesn't pay more attention to people losing their houses, he's gonna lose the House and the Senate!

Well, struggling actress,cousin Ariel finally landed a gig---writing sub-plots for porno movies.

Ever notice on certain shows that feature hookers and pole dancers (so I'm told), the men always go to great pains to always call them "ladies"---we get it!! You don't really think they're stank ho's!

The Commissioner of Major League Baseball rejected a bid from an Illinois city to have their own team, saying, "We already have two teams in this state, and I'll say it again:'We won't play in Peoria!!' "

Ever finally really listen to the lyrics of a song you've heard forever, and say, " Wow!! That's really saying something!!"?
Sometime the opposite occurs--- I've heard the Beatles' "Yes It Is" for 45 years, and one day recently it dawned on me: Is that the swiftest move: to tell a girl you're dating not to wear a certain color dress, because it will remind you of some other chick you still have the hots for?? I'd have to go with "NO!!" on that one!

"The Special Valentine's Day Offer from CyberDefender"---actual e-mail I got this morning. Seems they'll send her flowers, along with their CyberDefender, 'cause what else says "I love you" like telling her "I think you're gonna get infected!"?

I'm not making this up---I was watching a PBS show on the Donner Party (Google it kids), and it seems that one of them who survived by eating human flesh, opened up a successful restaurant in California. I assume he kept that little back story under wraps!

Speaking of restaurants, our local one here in town ain't exactly in the haut monde---on the wall they have autographed 8x10's of the mayor, fire chief and sheriff posing with the busboy.

Countdown to Stupor Monday

2010-02-03T08:30:00.001-08:00
Apparently the military is scrapping the "Don't Ask-Don't Tell" policy in favor of what they're calling the "I feel simply fabulous in these fatigues!!" option.

One guy told me, "I wish I had your stand-up gigs on a loop!"---I thanked him humbly. Then he said, "Yeah, I'd like to see you holding your material while you're having a noose fastened around your neck!"

Reports are that George Bush has gone AWOL from the Haiti assignment given him by President Obama. Bush sources claimed that it was just temporary, as he had several Motivational speaking engagements to fulfill.

What kind of blood do people who can't master a typewriter have? Typ-O!!

In Business news, it's being reported that JC Penney's is taking over all the Dollar Stores and will change its name to Penney's on the Dollar.

How about that? Lady Gaga to join The Goo Goo Dolls, forming Ga-Ga-Goo-Goo!!

There's a new Special search engine for finding Marine and Oceanic websites---Goggle

Welcome back, Passing Waters!!!

2010-02-02T07:09:00.000-08:00
Krishna Morty had originally planned to dispense more timeless wisdom today, but unfortunately, he called and said he didn't have the time.
In his place, he has asked that, again, the man who puts the genius in indigenius,
people Who Were Here First comic, Passing Waters!!
Since his first appearance last week, our office has been flooded with messages---we're still trying to get the smoke out, and sadly making arrangements for those who succumbed to fatal inhalation.
But SERIOUSLY, Here he is, direct from Azho tribe, and its Reservation/Gambling Casino, give it up ---an unfortunate things to say to Indians--- for PASSING WATERS!!

"Hey great audience----well, at least you haven't gotten your wagons in a circle yet!!(ba-doom)
--Wow, now I know how Custer felt!!(ba-doom)
--C'mon folks, I'm payin' Papoose support!!

-- Yesterday we passed around the peace pipe---we have fun, each person puts in some different "Great Spirit Enhancer" before passing the pipe along---by the time it got to me I was having visions of opening a Camp Goldberg, for Indian kids to go to!!
-- Last night my woman was complaining about how thin my wampum envelope was--- I suggested she ask her parents, nieces, nephews, cousins, uncles, aunts, grandparents and Spirits of Ancient Ancestors to move out already----she countered by attacking my sexual prowess---"You who release the arrow before the prey is fully targeted", she said.....I countered,
"And you with your yappin'!!" I countered. "I shoulda known what I was gettin' into when I took as my mate a woman named "Won't Shut Corn Meal Hole"!! --- She knocked me to my back and gave me a knee to the chest---I guess you could say she buried her knee in wounded heart! (ba-da-boom) Women, ya can't live with 'em and you can't bury them up to their necks in a red ant hill!" (cymbal)
-- No, my uncle Cuddles with Raccoons---we think he's crazy---he spends his day standing by the super-highway buying pottery, blankets wallets, and beads from tourists. He got into an altercation with one persistent customer after telling him repeatedly that he didn't have change of a clam shell!!
-- We have these Indians in our tribe called 'Contraries"---they crack us up with the way they do everything backwards---yunno, like the US government!!(rimshot)

-- Indian women today, though---so modern and independent---they forget ancient revered tradition --My nephew, Howling Gopher asked Graceful as Soaring Lark
(she' changing her name to Kayla Kline) to marry him, have five, maybe six papooses, make food and clean and mend clothes. She told him she will now call him He Who Whittles Spears Alone

Hey you guys have been honorable!!

Infotainment Tonite!!

2010-02-01T07:22:00.000-08:00
Hi, everybody, this is Jack Tohdee along with Amber Hedlytes for Infotainment Tonite!!

$$$ British Ex-Prime Minister Tony Blair wowed 'em last week at Parliament (are they still wearing wigs??---how retro!!). The still boyish-looking Blair, there to testify on just how exactly he let ridin'-high-in-the-saddle Texan impresario George Bush talk him into that loud,high-budget Middle East production, which we later learned was poorly written, lacked credible acting and as it turned out, didn't even have a McGuffin!!
'Dapper Downing Street Tony', showing extraordinary self-knowledge, and to the delight of all, chose to deliver his testimony as one of Monty Python's Upper-Class Twits, donning a bowler and putting in buck teeth enhancers, as well as, borrowing from another skit, continually punctuating his testimony with, "wink-wink...nudge-nudge...say-no-more...say-no-more..."
Blair was triumphant!! Reportedly, talks between him and theater bigwigs on Drury Lane have begun!!
Blair later said he considered it his "Finest Moment!"

$$$ Well, excitement grows to a fever pitch and all eyes turn to Miami where this Sunday, Super Bowl LXIV---Hey Amber, is that 17?--forget it....will be played. Yes, the Indianapolis Colts, led by Super Quarterback Man Peyton Manning---and not a few Colt fans expect him to make Stadium "Peyton's Place" --
"Oh, Jack, you should be ashamed,tee hee!!"
Sorry Amber! Going against Indianapolis will be the New Orleans Saints, the sentimental favorites, for their being Super Bowl-Virgins, and their being from a town that suffered that bummer Hurricane Katrina a few years back...... another question lingering on fans' lips is "If he wins the Super Bowl is there any tangible marketable object Manning won't do a TV ad for?"
Yes, many around the country are pullin' for the Boys from Basin Street for those sentimental reasons, although actually only an assistant team waterboy is from New Orleans...... And what else does the Super Bowl mean---that's right, all the new commercials---and you know there'll be at least two really clever and funny ones...

Yes, and as happens every year, all 16 of them (paying in ad fees this year a reported record 10-million dollars a nanosecond), will be judged by those elitist party-poopers, "The Institute for Charting and Monitoring the Continuing Descent of American Intelligence, Taste and Values".
Institute head Ivan Gisseldorf was quoted as saying, "This year we will not be surprised to see a further increase in the trends we have classified as a) men and/or women pathologically sexually stimulated with a by luxury car (we call this 'auto--eroticism'---our little joke) or a bottle of beer, far more than their human mates; they will often "comically" push aside, insult and/or humiliate them to get the real object of their desire.

b)Attempts to wring humor out of sexual or scatologicakl situations that make the viewer long for the Oscar Wildean bon mots of Larry the Cable Guy.

c)And, of course, that reliable old chestnut, laughing at somebody experiencing extreme mortification and/or life-threatening injuries."

Hey, I say lighten up guys and throw back a few brewskis!! Right Amber!!

Speakling of commercials, if the Colts should win, many people are eager to see exactly how many tangible marketable objects Peyton Manning is willing to do a TV ad for!

Now for the Infotainment News ticker:
Taylor Swift wins only four Grammies...... Beyonce wins 6 Grammies---in an attempt to atone for the past, Kanye West wrenches all six away from Beyonce and dropped them on Swift!!...... !!"......Hot female singer, Fergie, had an embarrassing moment at the ceremonies when she accidentally entered the Men's Room and saw four black guys pee......No truth to the rumor that Angela Jolie is leaving Brad Pitt forJennifer Aniston.Relatedly, Pitt hinted to a reporter why he and Angela went splitsville, "The diaper smell was getting , like, intense!!"...... Avatar continues to dominate the box office, as James Cameron expressed only one regret: that he was unable to get Celine Dion to sing the film's stirring love song "Anaki Tepukka B'ushinti Qui-ka" (I've Got You Under My Avatar's Skin")

That's all from Infotainment Tonite.

This is Jack Tohdee, along with Amber Headlytes, saying good night!!

A Sunday Kinda Blog

2010-01-31T09:34:00.000-08:00
One of my shrinks once said, "I'm not going to babysit you much longer!" I got so mad I threw my alphabet blocks at him!

The Red State, tea-party populism's gettin' a little scary---I'm starting to hear talk of a Sarah Palin--Larry the Cable Guy ticket in 2012.

Boy, the lack of respect among a lot of Republicans for Obama is getting serious---several were reported saying "Throw him under the back of the bus!"

Business week reports that the Olive Garden chain is determined to become to Italian food what Home Depot is to hardware---internal memoes apparently has the executives talking about getting rid of the " 'Mama and Papa' restaurants."

Bowing to pressure from advocacy groups, Disney has agreed to change the name of the mute Dwarf from the offensive Dopey, to " Intelligence Vocalization-Challenged".

Most dermatologists will tell you that "A watched boil never pops!"

I don't know. I'm skeptical. I mean his family reporting that J.D. Salinger, shortly before his death was infused with new enthusiasm and planning a to write a series of books along the order of the Harry Potter and the Twilight series!

Reports are that George Bush has gone AWOL from the Haiti assignment given him by President Obama. Bush sources claimed that it was just temporary, as he had several Motivational speaking engagements to fulfill.